Behold the world’s most awkward pause…
Now, Obama was probably doing so for dramatic effect (pausing is one of his public speaking tools).
But imagine doing what Obama did in a real-life conversation, where you don’t know what to say, and there was more than a minute of silence… the horror!
I’ve experienced this multiple times, and the silence is worse than eating a bag of expired Taco Bell’s.
Thankfully, not knowing what to say doesn’t necessarily lead to awkward silences and boring conversations.
Let me break down why that’s the case and also what you can do differently (based on my experience of having 10,000+ conversations).
It’s OK to not know what to say
It can be easy to hold yourself — and your conversation partner — to impossible standards, such as:
- “I need to keep talking for the conversation to keep going”
- “I need to always be leading the conversation”
- “I need to say the right thing at the right time, right now”
- “I need to ask the perfect question”
- “The conversation needs to be always interesting”
The reality? Even the best conversationalists run into lulls.
When you start thinking that you have nothing to say, notice if the thought is coming from a place of perfectionism. The following thought experiment might help, too:
Reset your expectations of how conversations should be
Recall the last conversation you had with someone who cared about you. This could be a family member or close friend.
Did you always know what to say?
Most probably not.
You can also flip the exercise on the head and imagine if a loved one didn’t know what to say.
What would you do or say to support them?
Hopefully, by doing this exercise, you’re able to gain perspective and see that it’s totally OK to not know what to say. Real-life conversations aren’t drama or movie dialogue at all, and that’s what makes them beautiful 🙂
Give the other person space to jump in
When you don’t know what to say, just stay silent for a few seconds, as the other person might just help fill the conversation gap. This also gives you both more time to process whatever was said.
(If being quiet for a lil’ while is uncomfortable, this might help.)
Focus less on talking and more on listening
When there’s too much pressure on saying the right thing, your mind will stay stuck in “nothing to say” mode.
When I put less emphasis on talking, I started feeling less socially anxious — since I wasn’t wracking my brain to craft an interesting statement or story.
When you immerse yourself in listening, you’ll be much more able to build conversations in two ways:
- Paraphrase what they just said
- Ask relevant questions
In this article, I talk about how to paraphrase and ask follow-up questions:
25 useful phrases to keep a conversation going (and avoid awkward silence)
Important note: you don’t want to ask too many questions, as that can lead to them feeling pressured. Learn how to avoid that by reading this article.)
Acknowledge their response
If you’re too nervous to even ask questions or paraphrase, simply acknowledge what they just said. It can be as simple as “I agree” or “I can understand that”.
(For other ways to acknowledge, read this article.)
The power of acknowledging and validating others is criminally underrated. A study shows that participants felt better after having their anger validated by the listener.
This can especially be helpful when they just shared something really personal and you don’t quite know how to react. For example, they just divorced their spouse, or their dog just died.
Ask for their suggestions on what to talk about
A conversation is a two-way street: the other party wants to connect just as much as you.
If your mind is drawing blanks, ask one of the following questions to get the ball rolling:
- What else is going on in your life?
- What else are you working on?
- What else are you thinking about?
- Anything else you wanna share?
There’s a good chance that they didn’t get to talk about something interesting, and the questions above give them the space to express themselves.
Admit that you don’t know what to say
Back to what I shared earlier in the article…
When you don’t know what to say, you’re likely worried about saying the wrong thing — whether it’s something that might offend them or something that isn’t interesting to them.
To help alleviate the fear of social rejection, try putting a disclaimer before whatever you’re going to say, for example:
- “Sorry if this is too personal, but…”
- “Sorry if this sounds weird, but…”
- “Not sure if this is appropriate to ask, but…”
- “You don’t have to answer this, but…”
And even if you say the wrong thing, remember that they might not even notice it. Even if they do, they won’t care as much as you do! (This is known as the spotlight effect in research)