Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (I dog-eared and underlined so many pages!)
This book is for…
People who have dating anxiety. But honestly, this book would be great for anyone who has insecurities in romantic relationships. If you ever agonize about what to say on Tinder or how to ask someone out, read this!
What makes the author qualified to write this book?
When it comes to helping people work through their dating anxiety, Dr. Thomas Smithyman is one of the best experts out there…
- As a clinical psychologist, he specializes in social anxiety and other anxiety disorders.
- He’s experienced and overcome dating anxiety himself. He did “Rejection Month”, a social anxiety challenge: every day for a month, he would approach the most attractive woman he could find and ask her out.
- Finally, he cites a broad range of research studies (without making the book overwhelming to read at all). As a research geek, this was a WOW for me.
Here are a few profound things I learned from his book:
Insight #1: Dating anxiety = attraction
Dating anxiety can very well be a sign of your attraction towards the other person. Think about it: if you aren’t really into them, there won’t be much at stake emotionally!
Dr. Smithyman says:
“Consider your physiological responses to someone you like: your heart beats faster, you get butterflies in your stomach, you shake, etc. You might see them as only anxious responses, but aren’t these the same sensations that signal romantic interest?”
He also recommends something that might seem outrageous, but makes so much sense to me…
Connect with people who trigger your dating anxiety.
Yes, you might get rejected, BUT you might also get a date — let’s not forget about the other half of the picture 🙂
Insight #2: Stop being impressive, start being “boring”
“The higher your performance demands,
— Dr. Thomas Smithyman
The higher your anxiety”
What makes dating anxiety way worse is the pressure we put on ourselves. Gotta say something funny. Gotta ask a profound question. Gotta this and that…
And, social media really doesn’t help — with the perfect looks and lives that others are living. Surely we need to keep up even a little!?
Rather than being impressive, cool etc., here’s what Dr. Smithyman recommends…
Be boring. Be obvious. Be unoriginal. Just say whatever that comes to mind!
In fact, the best pickup lines according to a study are…
- “Hi, my name is…”
- “What’s your name?”
- “How are you?”
Notice how easy they are, which can help reduce your performance/social anxiety. You don’t have to perform the conversational version of a Quadruple Axel (the hardest move in figure skating)!
In fact, it’s not about the content — it’s about the connection, which means all you need to do is be a) warm and friendly b) use the most basic of social skills:
- Smile
- Introduce yourself to people
- Ask questions
- Listen
- Answer questions
Research says that warmth — in the form of smiling — is the #1 predictor of attraction in initial interactions.
Now, that’s easier said than done. Because people with dating anxiety often stop themselves from radiating the lovely warmth they have…
Insight #3: Anxiety doesn’t make socially anxious people less likable, but this does
“If you never show people your true self,
— Dr. Thomas Smithyman
you’ll never learn that your true self is acceptable”
Lynn E. Alden, a leading social anxiety researcher, found that socially anxious people are less likable when they use safety behaviors — behaviors to help them feel safe.
Here are some of the dating-related safety behaviors that Dr. Smithyman identified:
- Not smiling or making eye contact as much
- Not making jokes
- Trying not to say the “wrong” thing
- Waiting for the other person to initiate
- Pretending that you’re not interested (playing it cool)
These behaviors might shield you from potential criticism or rejection, but they also kill any chances of a deeper connection.
For example, by trying to say the “right” thing, you risk muting your real, interesting personality.
The key to building connection and attraction is this instead…
Dropping your safety behaviors and revealing your flaws or quirks.
Does it feel awkward and even scary? Yes. But here’s the big upside of doing so, according to research:
By revealing who you are — even parts of yourself that you feel insecure about — you will come across as more open and authentic… more human if you ask me.
(To learn more about safety behaviors, read this article of mine:
Safety behaviors in social anxiety: how they make anxiety worse)
Should you buy the book or not?
Hell yes!
While I’ve done the 80/20 — picked out insights that I found especially impactful and shared them with you — the reality is that Dr. Smithyman shared so many other ideas and tips that you will benefit from too.
Things that I didn’t summarize include…
- The two factors of finding the love you want (what most people including myself get wrong!)
- Why you might be trapped in the “friend zone” (thanks to a myth perpetuated by many dating “gurus”)
- A low-anxiety dating plan (it’s simple to implement — certainly doesn’t require you to be some social superhero!)’
If you like the summary and want to learn more from Dr. Smithyman, you can pick up the book here 👇
Note: If you buy the book via my link, I will earn a lil’ affiliate fee (less than a dollar for the average $20 book). I only recommend books that I’ve read and loved.
Now, whether you buy the book or not, that’s cool — check out the author interview at least…
Interview with Dr. Thomas Smithyman
Here’s what makes the interview unique: Dr. Marianne Stout, his colleague, was the interviewer.
How cool is that!? I mean, how often do you get to listen to two experienced clinical psychologists riffing off each other?
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