Scientifically reviewed by Receiving a negative response is one of my biggest social anxiety triggers.
So, I decided to test this with an impromptu exposure challenge/courage challenge last Saturday…
And when I say impromptu, I mean it: I thought of it on the spot and jumped in!
The challenge was simple:
I’d say hi and smile to as many people as possible during my hike (both uphill and downhill).
All in all, I said hi to over 50 people of different genders, age groups, and ethnicities. (I *think* it was way over 50, but I’m just gonna be conservative here.)
Despite having so much experience doing courage challenges, and despite the simple format, the 30-min experience was surprisingly uncomfortable and enlightening. Here’s what I learned:
People were more receptive than I thought
In the first few interactions, my mind was racing: “What if they think I’m weird for saying hi??” I even thought at one point, “No one does that these days, you know?”
But after the nth hi, I started to notice that people were friendly for the most part. They either said hi back or nodded. And when they didn’t, I noticed something super interesting:
It wasn’t about me (for the most part)
A minority of folks — my rough estimate is 25% — weren’t receptive. It was painful to get a non-response, and it was SO tempting to think, “They must think I’m strange…”
But as I breathed and walked slower to re-regulate emotionally, I realized that it wasn’t about me, it was about them. I came up with a few observations why they might not have said hi:
- They were wearing earbuds and couldn’t hear me
- They were mentally preoccupied
- They might be shy (some really seemed to be)
- They weren’t used to others acknowledging their presence
What I did was cognitive restructuring — learn more about it here.
Now, there was one notable exception though…
Keeping myself “safe” also killed the opportunity to connect
Feeling the pain of (perceived) rejection, I noticed that I lowered the volume of my voice and avoided eye contact. I even mumbled my “hi”s at times.
In other words, I was engaging in safety behaviors to protect myself from social rejection (learn more about them here).
Ironically, these safety behaviors made it much harder to spark a connection. Because I minimized my presence, they probably didn’t even know that I was greeting them!
(I’m happy to report that I managed to disengage from the unhelpful behaviors, and got right back into the courage challenge with renewed enthusiasm 💪)
Rejection was much more painful in imagination
I was amplifying the fear — and potential pain — of rejection so much, to the point it became a furious thunderstorm in my mind…
In reality though?
It sucked to be shunned. It was embarrassing. But I was surprised that it didn’t hurt as much as I thought. Rather than a major OUCH, it was a minor one — one that I forgot a few hours later!
Now, over to you…
What courage challenge will you take on today or this week?
Here are some resources to help you get started: