Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (I dog-eared and underlined many pages!)
This book is for…
People with social anxiety, particularly if they want to better manage rejections, say as part of their exposure therapy.
(Learn more about exposure therapy here.)
What makes the author qualified to write this book?
While Jia Jiang isn’t a psychologist, he has a wealth of real-world experience.
Specifically, he started a blog, 100 Days of Rejection Therapy, to face his fear of getting rejected. In the 100 days, he documented his journey of approaching strangers and making funny/meaningful requests. For example:
- Asking for a “burger refill” (I’m not making this up)
- Planting a flower in a stranger’s backyard
- And so on
He did a TED talk and wrote a book to share his experiences, both of which went viral. I picked up the book a while back, and I read it twice to pick out my favorite insights (ones that felt profound or surprising):
Why does rejection hurt so much?
“Don’t take it personally”
“Don’t be so sensitive”
“It’s not about you…”
Has anyone tried comforting you with any of the above statements?
If so, you probably found that to be unhelpful.
After all, a University of Michigan study showed that social rejection felt just like physical trauma (even if participants knew that the rejections were fake!)
Rejection hurts, because it can feel like an assault on your self-worth. Jiang explained:
“We wanted someone to believe in us but they didn’t, that we wanted someone to like us but they didn’t…“
And, when you have social anxiety and you’re rejected, it’s easy to personalize (blame yourself for the rejection) or overly generalize (one person rejected you = everyone else will reject you too).
Research indicates that people with social anxiety tend to have more cognitive distortions i.e. inaccurate thoughts.
So how do you better manage the pain of rejection, along with the unhelpful thoughts?
Jiang recommended the following reframes…
Insight #1: Rejection is an opinion, not a fact
“Rejection is an opinion of the rejector. It is heavily influenced by historical context, cultural differences, and psychological factors. There is no universal rejection or acceptance.”
— Jia Jiang
What rejection reflects isn’t your self-worth, but the feelings/thoughts of the other person in the moment, which may or may not be about you.
There are so many factors that are outside your control, and they include:
- They’re in a rush e.g. they need to meet a client’s deadline
- The person received bad news from their family, for example, their sibling was diagnosed with cancer
- They think you’re attractive, but they have a different “type” because of cultural upbringing
- They’ve been overwhelmed by other requests (even if they like you)
And more importantly…
Insight #2: Rejection has a number
If someone says no, someone else might say yes. This sounds simplistic, but it’s a truth that often gets forgotten in the pain of rejection.
As Dr. Thomas Smithyman said, social success is about “finding your percentage”: people who like you and who are more likely to say yes.
(Check out my summary of Dr. Smithyman’s book here.)
And the only way to seek them out is…
Asking (way) more often.
Rather than engaging in excessive mental rehearsal or worrying, which only makes your anxiety worse, accept that you feel anxious, and ask anyway!
Here are two relevant quotes from Jia Jiang that I loved:
“I didn’t have to do anything but muster the courage to ask the question to get a yes.”
“If I could get custom-made Olympic donuts from Krispy Kreme without even trying, what else was possible if I just asked?“
Insight #3: You can soften the pain of rejection
While the mere act of asking makes a huge difference, how you ask and follow through can make rejection less stinging, and even make it more likely for the other person to say yes.
For example, Jiang claims that taking on a confident posture rather than cowering can change the entire experience.
Note: While I trust Jiang's experience, power posing is a controversial topic in psychology research. There's *some* evidence that it works, but it's not conclusive at this point of writing.
Here are other (more reliable, IMO) ways he suggested to improve your odds of rejection:
- Ask the right person: This is especially true in business situations, where you want to approach people in your target audience (folks who will find your offer most relevant and compelling.)
- Acknowledge their doubts: This demonstrates your empathy and helps them share their skepticism, which usually leads to a better conversation.
- Make a lesser request: This is otherwise known as the foot-in-the-door technique in psychology. By making a smaller request, you make it easier for the other person to say yes to the request and a subsequently larger request.
Insight #4: Have a reason to be rejected
What’s the point of doing difficult things just because they are difficult!?
There needs to be a deeper reason why you might want to go through rejection — a purpose, if you may. This helps you stay motivated even when things get tough.
What Jiang said reminds me of what I learned in the ACT for Depression & Anxiety Disorders course with Russ Harris.
Russ highlights the importance of purpose in doing exposure/courage challenges:
“Suppose you go on an Amazon forest adventure. You will have to wade through a swamp, you will get muddy and sweaty, and you will get bitten by mosquitoes, and you don’t want all that for no good reason! You need a purpose. For example, you are wading through a swamp to reach the treasures.“
Should you buy the book or not?
Maybe. I have some reservations about the book as it’s not as deeply researched as I hoped, but that might just be the research geek in me speaking.
You should still get the book if…
- You’re doing exposure therapy right now, and you’d like a role model. I enjoyed Jiang’s candid, thoughtful writing style. (He’s not bombastic or boastful like many other self-help authors, which is refreshing.)
- You need additional inspiration after watching his TED talk, and you want the day-by-day breakdown of his 100-Day Rejection Therapy.
You can pick up the book here 👇
Rejection Proof
Note: If you buy the book via my link, I will earn a lil’ affiliate fee (less than a dollar for the average $20 book). I only recommend books that I’ve read and loved.
Jia Jiang’s TEDx talk
This was one of the most popular TED talks of all time, with tens of millions of views on YouTube and the TED website combined:
If you aren’t getting the book, this should suffice as inspiration.
Related articles