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Disclaimer: My content is NOT a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. When in doubt, ask a therapist!
I was reading a social anxiety forum thread just now, and here’s what one of the members said:
“Whenever I smile i feel so awkward, it is only when I smile at people, especially during a conversation. And it kills the conversation that I am having because I dont feel happy when I smile and then I feel horrible for not being able to share a genuine smile with someone. So after I smile during a conversation I will constantly think about how weird it was…”
Notice the amount of judgment in that one statement. We socially anxious folks can be so hard on ourselves!
But why do socially anxious people smile awkwardly?
Before I go into the research, FYI that I’m going with “polite smiling” instead of “awkward smiling”. The latter comes with an implied negative judgment, which may/may not be true.
In a study, socially anxious participants displayed polite smiles more often when they felt awkward or tense. Why? The researchers gave a few reasons:
- To suppress their negative emotions, such as nervousness or irritation.
- To please the other person, which comes from a place of fearing judgment (that they will be negatively evaluated)
In other words, polite smiling or laughter is a safety behavior: it’s what you do to be liked and to avoid rejection. Does that mean that it’s bad? Nope. Here’s what the research says…
Polite smiling/laughing is normal!
When you’re socially anxious, polite smiling can trigger a lot of self-criticism: For example, you might think that your smile looks weird or fake. And you might also feel bad that you’re not being genuine.
In reality, polite smiling is more common and helpful than you think. In fact, it’s a prosocial behavior. Adrienne Wood, a psychology professor, said:
“Most smiles and laughter are not rewarding outpourings of positivity. Think of the quick, closed-lip face you make to acknowledge a passing stranger or convey sympathy to a friend. Or the polite chuckle you use to ease awkward tension in a work meeting…. What they borrow from reward signals is the message of friendly, harmless intentions, which is why we call these smiles and laughs “affiliation signals.”
Still, it’s helpful to understand why you smile politely. Here’s what you could do:
Notice your smiling in the moment
The next time you put on a polite smile, you don’t have to stop yourself from doing it (especially when it might be second-nature to you).
Just gently note: “Ah, I’m politely smiling again… I feel…”
By bringing awareness to your behavior and emotion, you set the foundation for future change. For one, it also helps you stay present in a conversation, rather than getting entangled in thoughts about why your smile looks bad!
Examine the fear behind the smile
Before or after a conversation, it can be helpful to understand what triggers your polite smiling. Ask yourself one of the following questions:
- “When I smile politely, what am I feeling?”
- “If I don’t smile, what do I fear might happen?”
- “What do I think it says about me if I don’t smile politely?”
This isn’t about interrogating yourself. This is about compassionately understanding your behavior (even if it’s not helpful).
Fill in the blanks: “If I don’t smile, they will think that I’m…”
This helps you further understand the fear and the assumption that’s driving it.
For example, you might think, “If I don’t smile, they will think that I’m arrogant or rude.” or “If I don’t smile, they will think that I’m not fun to be around.”
You can either challenge your thought by doing cognitive restructuring, or acknowledging it, detaching from it, and refocusing on the conversation.
And if you want to meaningfully change your behavior, here’s what you could do:
Do a courage challenge on not smiling
In a courage challenge, you systematically put yourself in social situations that make you anxious, which helps you see that your beliefs might not be as accurate as you think.
And when it comes to polite smiling, you could test your fear of not smiling by doing any of these challenges (from easy to hard).
Practice compassion after the conversation
When you judge your smile negatively, you’re more likely to beat yourself up. In fact, long after you leave the social situation, you might be caught up in worries about your smiling. Here’s what could help:
- First, remind yourself that polite smiling/laughing is normal (see what I wrote above). Other people do it too.
- Secondly, notice how you’re engaging with your worries and getting into overthinking mode. Then, if possible, disengage by stepping outside your thoughts — here’s how to do it.
👉 Recommended article: Overthinking after social events? It’s normal. Here’s what to do.
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