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I used to think that being confident = little to zero social anxiety. Either you’re confident or you’re socially anxious.
Well, the reality is more complicated than that.
While research does show a negative correlation between self-esteem and social anxiety, there’s more nuance to it.
Here are a few things to consider:
You might be socially anxious in certain situations
Most people aren’t confident all the time. In fact, your confidence can fluctuate from one social context to another. As neuroscience researchers said: “In sum, social situations are shaped by contextual factors that affect how you feel and act.”
Let me give a few examples:
- You might be the king of meetings, but work parties terrify you.
- You have no issue shaking your butt in front of a million people, but chatting up your crush makes your heart beat faster than that EDM track.
Iffah, M.Couns, adds:
“There’s state anxiety — anxiety that’s based on how we feel in the moment, influenced by whatever’s going on — and there’s trait anxiety, which is anxiety that accompanies us all the time because it stems from something deeper, say past unfinished business”
Speaking of past unfinished business…
Some people just bring out that socially anxious part of you
Ever been to a school reunion or family gathering?
All of a sudden, it feels like you’re transported back into the past, where you weren’t nearly as mature and self-aware as you are now. You either recall memories of your past self…. or others will be too happy to remind you!
Here are a few common types of people that can trigger your social anxiety:
- Authority figures, say your boss or professor
- Older or more experienced people (here’s how to talk to them, btw)
- People of the gender you’re attracted to, whether it’s female, male, or non-binary
- People you perceive to be more successful than you
Confidence doesn’t eliminate social anxiety
Being confident doesn’t mean that you feel zero anxiety.
It just means that you manage your anxiety better.
According to Larry A. Cohen, the co-founder of the National Social Anxiety Center, the more we feel capable about navigating a social challenge — in other words, the more confident we are — the less intense our anxiety will feel.
In fact, no matter how confident you are, you can’t eliminate social anxiety. That’s because…
Social anxiety is a normal response
Everyone has social anxiety — it’s part of being human!
If your ancestors didn’t learn how to read social cues and fit into groups, you won’t be here today. Dr. Russ Harris, a well-known ACT therapist, wrote:
“We inherited [socially anxious thoughts] from our stone age ancestors. And as a result we are constantly comparing ourselves to other members of the group, and assessing whether we are likely to be rejected.”
(Of course, it becomes a challenge when anxiety is too much to take in. If that’s the case, here’s how to manage your anxiety amidst any conversation.)
Confidence is an action, not a quality
Confidence isn’t a fixed quality that you have or you don’t.
It’s something that you nurture by doing things that matter to you — even if you’re scared as fuck.
When I started interviewing strangers on the street, my palms were sweaty and my voice was shaky. Now, I can walk up to (almost) anyone and chat with them. It takes practice and patience.
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