What does a negative conversation feel like?
It’s like having your ice cream drop on the floor. Not fun.
Or it can feel like a Dementor sucking your soul and killing your joy…
There are many reasons why a conversation could feel negative. For example:
- They are complaining or venting about their challenges
- They criticize something you do or said
- You’re discussing a difficult issue in your relationship
- They have a viewpoint that you strongly disagree with
- You dislike or even hate them
Here are strategies to end a negative conversation and/or to make it a lil’ more constructive if needed:
Be honest about your emotional capacity
There’s only so much negativity we can take — even if it’s valid — and it’s OK to admit that.
Check in with yourself, see if you have the energy to listen any further, and be upfront about how much you can actually engage in the conversation. You could say:
“I’d love to keep talking, but I don’t have the energy to listen any further…”
Put a pause on the criticism
If they are criticizing you out of the blue, pause for a moment. This helps you assess the validity of their feedback, and prevents you from being reactively defensive.
However, if the criticism seems too hard to process — or if they seem incessant — it might be helpful to set boundaries. Here’s what you could say:
“Thank you for sharing [their criticism about you]… I appreciate it, but I’m finding it hard to listen. Could I process this first/could we talk about this later?”
Redirect the complaint
Complaining or venting can help your conversation partner become less stressed. But too much of it can take a toll on you.
If you find it excessive, here’s what you can do. Validate how they feel — even if you disagree — and then ask them questions to move them out of complaining mode. For example:
- What did you learn from the experience?
- What will you do differently next time?
- How can you prevent that from happening again?
And if you think they might need professional help, Monet David, a counselor, suggested the following wording:
“It sounds like you are going through a tough time. I want to support you as a friend, but this feels like it requires a professional’s touch. Could I maybe help you find a therapist so you can get the support that you need?”
Agree to disagree
If you just don’t see eye-to-eye — especially on a controversial topic like environmentalism — respecting disagreement is much more effective than debating things further. Fun fact: you won’t get a prize for being “most correct” or “most well-researched” 🙂
No matter how strongly you believe that you’re right, you can choose to not have the last word. You can say: “It sounds like we disagree, and that’s OK” and leave it at that.
(Here are other phrases to disagree respectfully.)
Revisit a challenging topic at another time
Difficult conversations tend to be negatively charged, since conflict — of goals, intentions, beliefs, values — is at the core of them. As the authors of Difficult Conversations wrote:
“Working to keep negative information out during a difficult conversation is like trying to swim without getting wet.”
More importantly, it’s unlikely that you will find agreement in just one conversation. For example, if you’re discussing the future of your relationship, you will probably need multiple conversations.
If you feel that you’re going in circles, or if the conflict is too much for either of you, consider ending the conversation. This gives you both time to cool down and reflect. Say something like…
“I know that this is an important topic, but it seems like we’ve been repeating the same thing/we both need some space… let’s talk about this again?”
Thank them for having the conversation
A negative conversation can demand a ton of emotional maturity from you and your conversation partner. Even if you feel that the conversation could have gone better, it’s worthwhile to appreciate their willingness to engage. You could say:
“I know this wasn’t an easy/fun conversation, and I appreciate that we were able to at least talk about it.”
What to do if you dislike them
Sometimes, the conversation itself isn’t negative, but it can feel like that when you’re not a fan of whoever you’re talking to. You’re seeing the other person in “negatively-tinted” glasses! Paraphrasing a mentor’s mentor here:
“When a relationship is good, conversations are more positive. When a relationship is bad, conversations are more negative.”
Here’s how you can work through your dislike.
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