Talking with someone who isn’t listening is one of the most frustrating things ever.
So what do you do?
No matter how much you want to jump down their throat — which I don’t recommend, btw — it’s worth getting a broader perspective first:
Why aren’t they listening? 6 reasons and solutions
After years of talking with people from different backgrounds and of different personality types, I realized that most people don’t communicate with the intention to hurt you. The evil folks are one in a hundred thousand.
Still, it’s easy to attribute blame. My long-time collaborator Michael Simmons wrote on the psychology of this:
“The Fundamental Attribution Error states that when we try to explain other people’s bad behavior, we tend to overemphasize their personality and underemphasize the situation they were in…
By being aware that we are subject to the Fundamental Attribution Error, rather than judging right away, we can give others the benefit of the doubt and attempt to come up with more positive explanations of their behavior.”
Here are a few valid — shall we say, blame-free — reasons why someone might not be listening to what you said:
They didn’t hear you clearly
This could be due to a variety of reasons, such as:
- Are you talking in a noisy environment?
- Did they get distracted?
- Did you mumble or talk too fast?
What to do: Repeat what you said and confirm that they could hear you clearly this time. You could say something like the following:
“I’m not sure if you heard what I said… should I repeat?”
They didn’t really understand you
What you shared might have been too complicated or confusing for them.
Or, they haven’t heard about the idea/concept before and they made premature assumptions about what it might be.
What to do: Ask if you need to repeat things differently. Take responsibility for their lack of understanding, so that they don’t feel bad and they are open to listening again.
Here’s what you could say:
- “I’m not sure if I explained it well… should I explain it in another way?”
- “Did what I say make sense? I know it might be complicated/confusing.”
They feel too excited about what they’re saying
They’re preoccupied with what they are going to share, which means they might neglect to listen to you.
What to do: Acknowledge their excitement, then express your need to talk too. Here’s what you could say:
- “I’d love to hear you out! Would you be open to hearing me out on this first?”
- “That sounds exciting/fascinating! Could I share something I find exciting/fascinating too?”
They aren’t interested in what you said
It isn’t a topic that gets them excited. Or, your viewpoint isn’t one that gets them engaged.
What to do: Confirm their disinterest. If that’s indeed the case, ask if they would like to switch topics. (Reassure them beforehand that it’s OK to verbalize their disinterest — most folks are compelled to fake interest since it’s socially acceptable.)
Here’s what you could say:
- “I might be overthinking, but this doesn’t seem like something you’re interested in — and that’s OK! Let’s talk about something else?”
- “I might be wrong, but you don’t seem interested in this — and that’s OK! Should we change topics?”
They don’t agree with you
They might have got defensive and simply shut down, versus verbalizing their disagreement.
What to do: Confirm their disagreement and hear them out on why they disagree. (Reassure them beforehand that it’s OK to verbalize their disagreement — most folks are compelled to fake agreement since it’s socially acceptable.)
Here’s what you could say:
“I might be wrong, but you seem to disagree.”
If they do disagree, follow up by asking:
“That’s OK, but could you tell me why?”
To help them open up — especially if it’s about a controversial topic — emphasize that you’d like to learn from them. What you could say:
- “I’d love to learn about how you think.”
- “I respect your opinion.”
They are too overwhelmed to say anything
A few possible reasons why this might happen:
- Social anxiety: They are too caught up in their fears that they missed what you were sharing.
- Trauma: What you said triggered painful memories of their past.
What to do: Check in on how they feel. Here’s what you could say:
- “I might be wrong, but is this something you’d rather not talk about?”
- “I’m sorry — does talking about <topic> make you uncomfortable? ”
If they’re open to it, gently ask them to share their feelings:
“How’re you feeling? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
But if they seem too overwhelmed, give them some space to process things.
- “Would you like some time alone instead?”
- “We can talk at a different time. Would you like that?”
TLDR: Whatever the reason is, here’s what you can do
Regardless of why someone might not be listening to you, the most important thing isn’t about them… it’s about you. Here’s what you could do internally:
- Acknowledge how you feel and think. If they aren’t receptive to what you’re saying, that doesn’t make your ideas/opinions any less valuable.
- Have no expectations regarding the other person’s response. After all, you can’t control what they will do or say.
PS – The six reasons I listed above are by no means comprehensive. (Shoot me an email at ianchew.x at gmail.com if you feel that I missed anything!)