For the lucky ones, talking to their parents is a walk in the park.
For others including myself, it can often be a challenge.
But it’s a challenge worth overcoming, as our parents typically have our best interests in mind — even if we don’t feel that is the case.
Having moved abroad for close to a decade, I wasn’t close to my parents, and communication was sparse and brief.
It was not till three years ago that I started making a serious effort to reconnect with them.
In this article, I will share conversation starters that I’ve found most helpful for parent-child communication.
Understand their journey as parents
Whether you decide to have children or not, understanding how your parents became who they are today helps you relate to them and improve the relationship. More often than not, we see our parents for the stereotypical roles they play, rather than their full humanity.
- What does being a dad/mom mean to you?
- What were you like before becoming a dad/mom?
- What was being a dad/mom like at first?
- How has being a dad/mom changed you?
- How has being a dad/mom changed your career?
- How has being a dad/mom changed your relationship with mom/dad?
- What surprised you the most about being a dad/mom?
- What do you wish you knew about fatherhood/motherhood?
- What’s the best advice you received about being a dad/mom?
- What are you most proud of as a dad/mom?
- Who has influenced your parenting the most?
- How is/was your relationship with grandpa/grandma?
- How has grandpa/grandma influenced you as a dad/mom?
If you’re already close to your parents
Congrats! You’re the rare lucky kiddo who has a healthy relationship with your parents. Here are a few thought-provoking questions to get to know them even better:
- What’s your focus in life right now?
- Where do you want to be in the next year/five years/ten years? (More questions on the future or goals)
- What would you like to do before you die?
- What about me makes you proud?
- What about our relationship makes you happy?
For other deep questions, check out these pillow talk conversation starters, or these conversation starters for family gatherings.
Also, while talking about death can be a touchy topic, but it can often transform the relationship. As Sunita Puri, physician and author of That Good Night, wrote:
“…we can use the inevitability of death to live differently. Maybe we need the promise of death to guard against taking life for granted.”
If you’re not close to your parents (but you like them)
This is probably the most common scenario: when you move out of the family home and you start building your own life, it’s easy to drift apart from your parents. Here are questions to reconnect with them (just like you would with old friends!)
- How’s life in the house since I started university/work/moved out?
- How are you/am I different between now and [X months/years] ago?
- Any new interests/hobbies?
- What do you miss about our relationship? (More questions about the past here)
- What should we do more of together?
Related article: 10 family conversation starters for deeper connection
If you dislike your parents
If you dislike or even hate your parents, calm, productive communication is probably more difficult than completing a 360° mid-air somersault. Here are a few questions to start repairing the relationship:
- What do you feel misunderstood about?
- What’s something you wish I knew more about you?
- What do you wish we had more of in our relationship? (h/t: Dr. Holly Parker)
- How can we improve our relationship?
- How can we better communicate with each other?
Of course, these questions won’t matter if you’re both triggered into frustration. Here are strategies to help you keep your cool in the conversation, or end a negative conversation.
Related articles
- How to start a conversation with your parents as an adult
- 23 mother-son conversation starters for deeper connection
- 21 father-son conversation starters for deeper connection
- 10 family conversation starters for deeper connection
- How to keep the conversation going with someone older or more experienced