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Argh, I must have looked like a fool…
They didn’t laugh… Do they hate me?
Shouldn’t have said that… what was I thinking!?
After each conversation, I’d beat myself up. I’d scrutinize my “social performance” — what I said/didn’t say, should/shouldn’t have said — rate how well or poorly I was doing (it’s always the latter), and berate myself.
But why does that happen?
Here’s why you overthink after social events
In social anxiety research, this kind of overthinking is known as post-event rumination. Try saying that at a party next time, you will sound 200-IQ-smarter.
Because anxiety is painful, your brain is alarmed, and it comes up with a solution to escape from it. And overthinking happens to be an effective short-term tactic! But the problem is this…
Overthinking is a safety behavior that helps you cope with your anxiety short term, but actually maintains and even increases your anxiety long term.
The more overthinking feeds on anxiety, the more it grows into a monster (there’s a name for this creature… wait for it).
But why? Let me explain. Here are a few keys of overthinking that you’re probably familiar with, even if you haven’t heard of these terms before…
- Performance appraisal: Because you feel anxious about what just happened, you critically review your “social performance” to control the difficult emotion. (Researchers identified this to be the #1 predictor of post-event rumination.)
- Attentional bias: Due to your anxiety, you selectively magnify certain parts of the conversation. Specifically, if you remember something you said/did that wasn’t up to your standards, you zoom in on that and you analyze it more closely…
- Rumination: As you over-focus on what you did wrong, you feel even worse about the social situation… and you can’t stop replaying what happened — especially the parts where you messed up.
As your anxiety rises again and again… boom! You’ve given birth to the Brooding Baboon.
Oh no. How can you stop the Baboon in the tracks?
Ways to manage the Baboon (rather than the other way around)
Stop fighting the Baboon
Listen up pal: I’m a certified Brooding Baboon fighter. You won’t be able to beat the Brooding Baboon even if you’re Rocky reborn.
I mean… have you tried stopping yourself from overthinking? When was the last time it worked?
Here’s what you can do instead:
Let the pesky monkey sulk in a corner.
Acknowledge its presence, but don’t give it any more attention to rile it up.
This is known as mindfulness — the process of noticing your experience non-judgmentally — and here are other mindfulness techniques you can try out.
Give the Baboon a bigger playground
Here’s what makes the Brooding Baboon especially scary:
When it rails against the tiny space of your mind.
Feels like it’s shaking up every single cell of your being!
But you can expand your mind, so that the Baboon has a lot more space to wander around, making it much less of a threat.
Nope, no fancy brain-computer interface needed. All you need to do is…
Breathe.
OK, well, it’s not that simple. But close.
To create more mental and emotional space, broaden your attention.
Put another way, by being more aware of your thoughts — without judging them — you naturally distance yourself from them and become less affected by them.
As Tara Brach would say…
“When we trust that we are the ocean, we are not afraid of the waves.”
Various meditation/mindfulness techniques can help you gain space — and freedom — from your rumination.
- What’s the best meditation for social anxiety?
- Does mindfulness help social anxiety? Yes (here’s how)
Be a good parent to the Baboon
The Brooding Baboon needs a ton of love. For real.
After all, he’s trying to protect you from social anxiety and rejection. He’s a good boy but just doesn’t quite know how to behave, you know?
Giving him a hug might be too much, since he caused you so much pain. But you can at least say hi. Even exes say hi… right?
When you notice the Brooding Baboon appearing in your mind, you can say something like…
“Thanks, Brooding Baboon. I know you’re worried about what I might have said wrong, but I’ve got this”
This is a variant of Russ Harris’s ACT technique, Thanking Your Mind.
Learn more about the power of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for social anxiety.
Poke holes in your “If Only” thoughts
Did you know that the Baboon is a talented trash-talker too? Sorry, I forgot to mention. Anyway, his zinger to trigger your anxiety is this:
“If only you had/hadn’t said…”
Fear not! Here’s the best comeback that I’ve discovered…
In the Baboon Behavior Lab — err, I mean, in the psychology research lab — researchers found that participants who had higher social anxiety were more likely to think If Only thoughts — basically thoughts about how the social situation could have gone better.
To prevent the “If Only” thoughts from hijacking your mind, try cognitive restructuring.
One cognitive restructuring method is Catch-Check-Change. Another method is to find positive/neutral evidence. Reflect on any of the following questions:
- What went well/OK in the conversation?
- Was there anything that I did say/do right?
- What can I give myself credit for? What can I celebrate?
This exercise won’t eliminate the unhelpful “If Only” thoughts, but it will help weaken them (rather than seeing them as the only truth!)
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