Scientifically reviewed by
Disclaimer: My content is NOT a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. When in doubt, ask a therapist!
What do you do right when you feel socially anxious?
The last thing you want to do, if possible, is to avoid the perceived social threat, as it makes your anxiety worse in the long run.
If avoidance isn’t ideal, what can you do instead?
Based on my experience, here are a few tips that can help:
Point out that you’re anxious
This might seem like an absurd idea, but labeling your anxiety and then sharing it with your conversation partner is actually a good thing. Here’s why:
What keeps you stuck in social anxiety is often shame: the shame of not being good enough. As Brené Brown, a leading researcher on shame, wrote in Daring Greatly:
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable”
By expressing how you are feeling, you will reduce the distress that comes with social anxiety. And here’s what I’ll bet: your conversation partner minds a lot less than you think you do.
Act despite your anxiety
Having approached thousands of strangers — including 700+ for a photojournalism project — here’s what I’ve learned…
- You’ll almost always feel anxious when connecting with others. Social anxiety is essentially an alarm for danger: “Watch out! Talking to people = risk of rejection!” It’s a normal psychological reaction.
- Preparation can be unhelpful. Excessive mental rehearsal leads to more anxiety. And, here’s the thing… you could already have what it takes to connect with others. Research shows that socially anxious people are actually more capable than they think!
So what should you do instead? Acknowledge your anxiety and jump in (even if you don’t feel ready!)
Of course, that’s easier said than done. So here’s an article to help you take action…
👉 Recommended article: 51 social anxiety exposure challenges to build your courage
Take a long, slow out-breath
To calm your nervous system right away, breathe intentionally, and focus your attention on your breath.
Specifically, here’s what Andrew Huberman, a Stanford neurobiology professor, recommended: focus on the exhale, and make the exhale longer than the inhale, which helps calm the nervous system.
It could also be worth slowing down the exhale. According to a study, fast inhaling when combined with slow exhaling — 2 seconds in, 8 seconds out — was effective in reducing anxiety.
Try a mindfulness exercise to stay present
Mindfulness exercises help you be more aware of how you feel and think, which is so important in the case of social anxiety. Why?
Social anxiety often leads to an excessive focus on yourself and your anxiety, which then triggers what I call the Social Anxiety Spiral. By getting out of your head and getting into the conversation, you’ll be less trapped by your anxiety.
That being said, there’s a limitation to mindfulness…
Tap into your psychological buffer
When anxiety is too overwhelming, mindfulness isn’t necessarily the right solution. Here’s what you can do instead: build your own psychological buffer.
Tara Brach calls this resourcing. In the course I took with her, she said:
“it’s not always possible to bring up a sense of mindfulness… You can even get retraumatized by trying to be present with what’s there if there’s not enough already existent sense of safety… There’s a prior step. And that is learning to find a pathway to some sense of strength or safety or connectedness.”
Here’s how to build your psychological buffer “on demand”:
- Ask yourself: “What gives me comfort?”
- Brainstorm a list of things or activities that you find soothing. For example, getting a stress ball, or going for a walk. You could also create a self-soothe box.
While you don’t want to be too dependent on them — i.e. using them as safety behaviors to avoid your anxiety — these can be helpful when you’re too overwhelmed.
👉 Recommended article: 4 simple self-care tips when you’re socially anxious
Do a quick thought reframe
Cognitive restructuring i.e. reframing is best before and after a social situation — when you have private time and space — but it can be helpful to do a quick refresher during a conversation. Here’s how:
Whenever you feel anxious, a quick reminder of helpful thoughts can make a huge difference.
Let’s say that you’re stumbling across your words, and you’re worried you’re embarrassing yourself. You can then mentally recall an alternative helpful thought:
“It’s OK to not be as eloquent as I want to, and I can still be likable even if I’m not that articulate.”
You could also write down the helpful thoughts as coping statements on flashcards, so that you can reference them as needed.
(Learn more about cognitive restructuring here.)
Related articles