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“Did I say and do everything right? Did I make any mistakes?”
It was a bitter cold winter evening, and I was trudging home after a first date.
I painstakingly put up a show of how Ian was Mr. Perfect… only to be hammered with post-conversation worries that the façade wasn’t that convincing.
And that wasn’t an isolated incident. I’ve had countless conversations where I felt the need to be perfect… in order to be liked and accepted.
Research backs up my experience too.
In a 12-month study, researchers found that social anxiety led to more self-critical perfectionism, not the other way around. Here’s what they said:
“Results supported the ideas that social anxiety develops perfectionistic tendencies such as excessive standards for performance…
Socially anxious individuals may use perfectionism to compensate for their fears – hiding behind a façade of perfection in an effort to fend off anticipated judgment from others“
In layman’s terms, perfectionism might be anchored around the belief that “I have to be perfect to be liked” or “My imperfections will make me unlikable”.
To make this even more concrete, let’s look at a bunch of examples:
Examples of social anxiety-linked perfectionism
Referring to the FMPS (Frost Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale), here are some potential examples of social anxiety-linked perfectionism:
- If I fail partly, it is as bad as being a complete failure.
- People will probably think less of me if I make a mistake.
- The fewer mistakes I make, the more people will like me.
- If I do not do as well as other people, it means I am an inferior being.
- If I do not do well all the time, people will not respect me.
In her book, How to Be Yourself, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen also shared a list of examples:
- I must always sound intelligent
- I should always have something interesting to say
- There should never be gaps or silences in conversation
- I should always project an air of easy confidence
- I’m responsible for keeping my conversation partner interested at all times
- I have to be entertaining
- I have to perform well
- I have to make a good impression
- People need to like me
- If I’m not funny or cool, people will not want to be around me.
At this point, you might wonder, “Well, what’s wrong with wanting to get better at conversations?”
While I agree that the desire to improve is helpful — that’s why we have an entire section on conversation starters —it shouldn’t stop you from connecting with others.
Let me explain…
How perfectionism triggers avoidance
I’ve written about avoidance at length, but as I was going through the research, I was fascinated by how perfectionism triggers the behavior.
Randy O. Frost, who developed the Frost Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale, said:
“If a person believes that others expect more from them than they are able to produce, or that others are judging them harshly for what they have produced, they may develop a belief that they cannot effectively solve problems. It is better to avoid them and it is awful when problems arise.”
Avoidance can manifest obviously, such as leaving a party, or subtly, like avoiding certain kinds of people at the party… or concealing any ‘flaws’ you might have.”
In one of their studies, Paul L Hewitt and his co-researchers found that nondisplay of imperfection and nondisclosure of imperfection is highly correlated with social anxiety…
| Nondisplay of Imperfection | Nondisclosure of Imperfection |
| – Errors are much worse if they are made in public rather than in private. – It would be awful if I made a fool of myself in front of others. – I hate to make errors in public. – I care about making mistakes in public. | – I should solve my own problems rather than admit them to others. – I should always keep my problems to myself. – It is okay to admit mistakes to others. – I try to keep my faults to myself. |
Underneath all this perfectionism-driven avoidance is often the fear of rejection. The idea is:
“If I’m perfect, then I’ll be liked/accepted”
The problem with avoidance is, you end up becoming a shadow of yourself in social situations. Your anxiety also increases as a result of safety behavior.
You might even risk misunderstandings where people think that you’re not interested in them (worse still, snobbish or standoffish!)
In a nutshell, your fear of negative judgment leads to distancing yourself from others in social situations, which ironically makes the fear come true!
Now that you know how perfectionism can be unhelpful, what do you do? I had multiple discussions with Iffah Suraya Jasni, M.Couns., and here’s a list of strategies we came up with:
Understand where your perfectionism came from
Perfectionism can very well be influenced by your childhood.
In a study, researchers found that adverse childhood experiences, whether they involved neglect or abuse, led to much higher levels of perfectionism and a reluctance to display imperfection.
In her book, The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism, Sharon Martin, DSW, LCSW, wrote:
“To understand where your perfectionist self-story originated, try to recall some of the early messages you received about who you are and what makes you worthy or unworthy.”
Perfectionism is an overly helpful friend
While it can be unhelpful, there’s a reason why you’re perfectionistic. What purpose is this behavior serving?
You can think of your perfectionism as an overly helpful friend (h/t: Russ Harriss). It’s trying to help you by protecting you from criticism. But it’s also blocking you from truly connecting with others!
In the ACT for Perfectionism and People Pleasing course I took under him, Russ shared the following questions to help you understand your perfectionism:
- Are there any benefits you get from being perfectionistic?
- Are there some benefits for your relationships? Social situations you go into?
- Does being perfectionistic do anything positive for your self-image (how you think about yourself)?
Deconstruct the rules of your perfectionism
NOTE: We recommend getting a therapist to work with you on this, as it's not easy to unpack the rules that you've followed for years if not decades!
As you understand the roots and drivers of your perfectionism, go even deeper by revealing the rules that make you perfectionistic. Here’s a list of words that often signal that there’s a rule driving your thought:
- ‘I must/have to/should/ought to….’,
- ‘I can’t do X because …’,
- ‘I won’t do Y unless …’,
- ‘Always/Never …’,
- ‘This is what I have to do’
- ‘It’s my role/ it’s up to me/no one else can do this!’
To further understand why you follow these strict rules, Russ also recommends asking the following questions:
- What does your mind say will happen, if you don’t obey this rule?
- How would your mind judge you, if you broke or disobeyed this rule?
- What thoughts and feelings would show up if you were to break this rule?
- What thoughts and feelings show up if you even think about disobeying this rule?
- What’s the risk to you of breaking this rule? What do you fear may happen?
Chances are, you will see the massive costs of perfectionism.
When you’re being perfectionistic, your attention is not on the conversation and the other person. It’s locked away in your mind.
So how do you break free from the clutches of unhelpful perfectionism? This might be the most important step you take…
Practice Step #0 of self-compassion
Self-compassion is a long journey, and it starts with one simple word that you can do right now:
Acknowledgement.
You don’t have to be accepting or kind towards yourself right off the bat (especially if you find self-compassion too hard).
Just start by noticing the fear and shame behind your perfectionism.
Acknowledge the presence of these emotions. Label them. Where do they reside in your body? How do they feel as you breathe?
Staying with difficult emotions — rather than avoiding — isn’t easy, but it’s such a crucial step of your healing. Sharon Martin, DSW, LCSW, shared these questions in her workbook:
- Identify a situation in which you were self-critical.
- What is the pain you’re experiencing?
- Are you the only human who has ever made this type of mistake? How do you know?
- Now that you’re aware of your pain and see that you aren’t the only one who has done these things (hurt someone, failed, made a mistake, and so on), what would you say to someone else who is experiencing this pain?
- Now try giving yourself the same compassionate response that you’d give a friend.
Don’t take the bait of perfectionistic thoughts
Perfectionistic thoughts are almost always judgmental, harsh, and even angry, which makes it very easy to get sucked into them and try debating them.
But when was the last time you won over your thoughts?
Michael Twohig, PhD, one of the pioneers in Acceptance Commitment Therapy for anxiety, co-wrote The Anxious Perfectionist with Clarissa Ong, PhD. In the book, they advised:
“Treating perfectionistic thoughts seriously is similar to trying to get someone with different political views to agree with you: before you know it, you’re already knee-deep in pointless arguing…
It may be tempting to respond to verbal bait… [but] look past the bait. Acknowledge [your thoughts] (“Yes, I see you’re making sounds”), and then redirect your attention to something more worthy of your time and energy.“
Of course, this is easier than it sounds. Disengaging from your perfectionistic thoughts takes lots of practice. After all, you’ve been buying into them for months if not years and decades!
One way to practice disengaging is mindfulness: it helps you gain distance from your thoughts and be more present of what’s going on. Here’s a list of mindfulness exercises that you can try.
Focus on values, not rules
This is probably my favorite way to stop biting the bait of perfectionism:
Rather than falling back on the same old rules that lock you in anxiety mode, align with your values to live the life you want.
Focus on what truly matters.
Rather than perfectionism, focus on meaning:
What do you really care about?
What do you find so important
that you will risk making mistakes for?
(As G.K. Chesterson, an English philosopher and writer, said: “If it is a thing worth doing, it is worth doing badly”)
Now, if you’re not sure about your values, here’s a value exercise that Shawn Twing, an ex-mentor of mine, recommended. In his words:
How to Find Your Values by Shawn Twing 1. Review this list and choose 12 values that resonate most with you. Capture those 12 in some kind of analog format (pen, pencil, etc.). 2. Review the list of 12 and eliminate four (you'll have eight left). Just cross out those four in the original list. 3. Take a break (overnight is ideal). 4. Review the list again and eliminate three. You'll have five values remaining -- those should be the values that are most important to you. 5. Pressure-test your work by card sorting. Write each of the values you eliminated on a single slip of paper (one value per slip), and write each of the values you kept on a single slip of paper (one value per slip). Then take one of the values you kept and put it face up on the desk in front of you. Flip over one of the values you eliminated and ask yourself which is more important? (Do this for all of the values you eliminated and repeat the process for all of the values you kept. We want to be certain that the values you kept are your true, core values.) 6. Take a break (afternoon/overnight). 7. For each of the five core values you kept, write 3-5 ways that you can embody that value in action. How does it show up in your life? What does it look like when it appears? How do you know you're 'doing' that? When you have completed this exercise you should have a list of five values that are meaningful to you, and 3-5 bullets for each describing how you embody those values (or how you could embody those values). Do not self-edit. There are no wrong answers, there are only your answers. The more true these values are for you the more effective they'll be over the long term. And, to be clear, you won't get any of this exactly right. It's a moving target and you'll develop precision and clarity over a long time (i.e., your entire life).
Be 1% less perfectionistic
Remember what I said about how perfectionism isn’t bad per se? It comes down to whether it’s helpful or not.
Perfectionism can be helpful when it motivates you to improve social skills (and provided you’re not paralyzed by anxiety).
The key is applying the rules of perfectionism flexibly. In layman’s words, cut yourself some slack, so that perfectionism doesn’t end up tyrannizing your life. Here’s what Russ Harris said:
“Give yourself the right to be imperfect, fallible, and make mistakes.”
So, here’s my challenge for you:
Would you be willing to be 1% less perfectionistic?
It doesn’t have to be a commitment — just a one-time experiment.
For example, you could allow yourself to mispronounce/stutter a word in a conversation. And see how you feel about it and how the other person reacts (or not).
Now, if you're up for a challenge, Dr. Thomas Smithyman recommends that you try being boring instead of impressive. Learn more about his approach here.
The last point I’d like to make is this:
What actually leads to connection (hint: it’s not perfectionism)
As mentioned, the fear driving perfectionism is often the fear that your (perceived) imperfections will lead to judgment and rejection.
Actually, it might be the complete opposite. People like you when you’re not perfect. When you blank out for a second. When your shirt is a bit crumpled. When you’re… human.
Don’t take my word for it. In a book interview, Dr. David Moscovitch, a leading social anxiety researcher, said something that moved me deeply:
“If you try to be warm and friendly and curious, then everything else — the blemishes and foibles and awkward behaviors all of us have simply because we’re human — becomes much less important to the other person because we’re connecting with them.”
(And that’s why one of my favorite things to say is: “Just keep connecting.”)
Perfectionism Playlist
Here are a few songs that explore the theme of perfectionism:
Perfect To Me by Anne-Marie
F**kin’ Perfect by P!ink
Try by Colbie Caillat
Scars To Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara
Imperfection by Evanescence
“…when the song talks about ‘imperfection,’ it’s really describing… just your you, your uniqueness, that thing. And if could all maybe look at our imperfections a little bit less like imperfections and a little bit more like our uniqueness — I don’t know — maybe that would be a good thing. I still struggle with it.”
— Amy Lee
For more social anxiety-related songs, check out this article.
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