Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (I dog-eared and underlined multiple pages!)
This book is for…
While Susan wrote this for anyone who wants to be a better lover, I do think that socially anxious people who want to date — or who are already dating — would especially benefit from her insights.
(It certainly helped me work through my anxiety and fear about being in a new relationship!)
Now, as much as I like the book, I do want to give you a heads-up…
Try being open to her no-BS (but compassionate) wisdom. In the kindest way possible, Susan doesn’t sugarcoat the reality of what it takes to have a thriving, long-term relationship. (Hint: it’s not all that rosy.)
What makes the author qualified to write this book?
Having studied Buddhism since 1995, Susan Piver is a meditation teacher and speaker with decades of experience.
She’s also a NYT-bestselling author of seven books, and the founder of Open Heart Project, a virtual mindfulness community with over 20k members.
More importantly, she writes from a place of personal experience, often citing anecdotes and stories from her marriage (both delightful and challenging ones).
Insight #1: Relationships never stabilize
Disclaimer: The instability that Susan is referring to is the instability that comes with common relationship issues. For example, arguments about who does the dishes, or dishonesty about one's credit card debt. It does NOT include instability due to abuse or addiction.
When I read this paragraph, it immediately triggered my social anxiety…
“No matter how hard we try, how crazy in love we are, or how skillfully we plan our life together, there is complete uncertainty about what our connection will feel like from day to day.”
As though that wasn’t challenging enough to process, Susan added:
“Happiness/comfort will always fade no matter how hard we try, how many relationship books we read, or how many therapy visits we make.”
It was only over the course of a few relationships that I started appreciating her wisdom.
Given that anxiety is about predicting the future — and the future is typically unpredictable — this leads us to a startling conclusion…
Controlling the outcome of a relationship is a futile effort.
(Planning has its place, of course, but it can only go so far.)
So what do we do? Here’s what Susan advises next:
Insight #2: See the beauty in sadness
Sadness? Really, Ian?
Yeah. Here’s what Susan said:
“By developing a tolerance for sadness (rather than reflexively seeking to banish it), you also develop a way to work with the particular forms of discomfort that come with giving and receiving love.”
Dr. Aziz Gazipura said something similar in his book, The Solution To Social Anxiety. Disappointment — the acknowledgment and acceptance of it — is a key factor in healthy relationships.
Because at some point, you will let your partner down, no matter how nice you are or how well you communicate.
And that can feel crushing, especially when you have social anxiety. Why? The disappointment and resulting sadness can be seen as warnings that the relationship is falling apart, or you aren’t being a good partner.
It’s therefore helpful to have a more flexible perspective:
Sadness is usually not the end of the world (even if it feels like it… I’ve been there so many times, and I get it.)
As painful as the sadness of disappointing your partner is, it will pass. And it will also point towards a valuable lesson or two about who you are.
To help you find meaning in sadness, Susan shared a powerful question…
Ask yourself: “What’s my deepest wish for love?”
Take a moment to reflect on the question — think about what you truly want when it comes to love and connection. How can you lean into that? What actions do you need to take?
(In another article, I wrote about how hurt signals what you care about, and it’s the same here.)
Insight #3: Lean into love, not safety
Disclaimer: Again, if you're feeling unsafe because of your partner's abuse or addiction, that's not OK. Susan is referring to difficult emotions in relationships.
We all want to feel safe. But the need for safety can be much, much higher for the socially anxious. Why?
Discomfort — especially if it’s expressed by your partner — is easily perceived as a threat, and you might be tempted to avoid the difficult emotion.
Me: Nope nope nope I don’t see you
While it’s important to feel reasonably at ease with your partner, there are a lot of moments when you need to choose courage over comfort.
One big example? Voicing your real needs or preferences — even if your partner might disagree.
Again, in Susan’s words:
…the moment you try to make love safe, it ceases to be love. There’s nothing less safe than love. Love means opening up again and again to your beloved, yourself, and your world, and seeing what happens next. Waves of connection are followed by waves of distance.”
To lean into love, the key is to meet your fear, rather than avoiding it (which only makes the fear worse).
You do this by meditating and noticing how fear shows up in your body and mind. Here are four kinds of meditation that you can try.
Have you ever tried to make love safe in the past? How did it affect the relationship?
Should you buy this book or not?
Maybe!
Given Susan’s background, this book unsurprisingly has a strong Buddhist bent. So, it may not be for everyone.
That being said, I did leave out tons of interesting insights that you might enjoy.
While I’ve summarized the ideas that I found the most profound/surprising, I did gloss over a few important sections. For example…
- The three myths of love that prevent real connection
- Why the same relationship issues might haunt you again and again (and what you can do about it)
- A 15-minute exercise to deeply bond with your partner (even if you’re busy or tired)
You can grab a copy of the book on Amazon:
The Four Noble Truths of Love: Buddhist Wisdom for Modern Relationships
PS – To be truly aligned with our mission to create high-quality content, I decided that Deeper Conversations won’t be an Amazon book affiliate, since that might distort the incentives. If you enjoy the summary, feel free to buy us a coffee, so that we can keep creating high-quality book summaries like this!
Author interview
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