Will they think I’m weird or creepy?
What if they don’t want to talk?
What do I even say!?
Want to talk to strangers at a cafe and improve your social skills?
Having approached thousands of strangers, I know firsthand that talking with strangers can be nerve-wracking:
- Social rejection: Not everyone wants to talk with someone they don’t know. A good % of people will turn you down.
- Social anxiety/awkwardness/shyness: This makes it a lot harder to go up to a stranger.
That being said, starting a conversation with someone you don’t know is way easier than you think 🙂
1. Most people are comfortable sharing about themselves, and many actually love doing so. (Provided that it’s in the right environment and context!)
2. The more you talk with strangers, the better you will get at it. Just like public speaking or party hosting, talking with strangers is a skill that you can practice and improve.
More importantly, it can help you overcome your fear and become more confident — no matter what social situation you walk into. It’s that handy of a social skill 🙂
Why talk to strangers at a cafe?
1. It’s a common spot for people to socialize.
Cafes aren’t just places where you get your “caffeine hit” — as someone who drinks coffee 3x a day, I’m guilty as charged — they are also conversation hotspots, according to research.
2. You have a natural topic to start conversations with: coffee/tea!
How do you start a conversation? (5 easy, proven ways)
OK, you said hi… what do you say next?
Here are a few conversation starters I like using. Notice that 1) they aren’t complicated or fancy, since your mind can go blank when you’re nervous. 2) they are environment-specific, which helps you sound natural.
Use or modify any of them based on your preferences!
Ask about their meal/drink
- “That looks good!! What is it?”
- “Is it good?”
- “Ah, I should have ordered that…”
This is a safe conversation starter since it doesn’t require too much self-disclosure on their part. If they like whatever they got, they will be more than happy to talk about it. If they don’t, it’s an opportunity to learn about them too.
You could also be playful and say:
- “Is that your 10th cup of coffee today?”
- “Welp, this is my third cup of coffee today…”
Comment on the wifi
- “So happy that they have good wifi here!”
- “Ugh, the wifi sucks right?”
- “How’s the wifi here?”
This will almost always trigger a reaction. Why? Well, in the 21st century, WiFi is as important as water (heard about internet separation anxiety?)
Ask them about what they’re reading
I’m probably biased since I’m a huge reader, but it’s fascinating to learn about other people’s reading habits, as it reveals a lot about the person’s passions and even values.
By the way, this doesn’t just apply to physical books: if they seem like they’re reading on their devices — and if they don’t have their headphones on — just ask!
(I recently chatted up a sharply dressed executive, who turned out to be reading historical romance fiction on her Kindle 🙂
Ask them for food/drink recommendations
- “Gonna get a bite, what do you recommend me getting?”
- “I’m going for a second coffee – what do you recommend?”
You could also be self-deprecating and say, “I’m terrible at choosing what to get. Could you help me out?”
Ask if you could sit beside them
- “Is it OK if I sit beside you?”
- “Sorry to bother you, but can I take this seat?”
This can be a lil’ tricky — see tip #2 in “Other tips to make it easier to start a conversation” — but if they say yes, they’re more likely to be open to chatting.
This is because you’re entering their physical space and that takes some trust on their part.
Make sure to acknowledge the intrusion beforehand, and pull your chair away from them to create a bit more distance.
Other tips to make it easier to start a conversation
Go to the same cafe for weeks/months
If you’re a fellow repeat customer, you will seem more familiar and therefore likable, which increases your success at starting a conversation.
And, here’s even better news: there are a lot of repeat cafe goers 🙂 A 2019 survey shows that “80% of people who visit coffee shops do so at least once a week, whilst 16% of us visit on a daily basis.”
See if they have open body language
As remote working becomes a lot more popular — thanks to the pandemic — many people enjoy working out of cafes.
If they’re typing away at their keyboard, I generally prefer to approach them later when they’re taking a break.
Respect their personal space
Even if they’re open to talking, be mindful of how close you stand/sit. In a study, participants preferred sitting further away from strangers.
Talk to the barista or owner
They’re more likely to be social… since they are there to serve your coffee addiction 🙂 OK yes I’m projecting there, heh
Start with easy questions like:
- How long they’ve been working at the cafe/running the cafe
- How long the cafe has been around for
- How their day is going
- Their favorite meal/drink
9 easy ways to start a conversation with a barista (without being awkward)
Attend a social event at the cafe
If you want to play this “talking to strangers” game on easy mode, this is it.
Ask the barista or owner if they know of any upcoming events. Or if you’re up for a challenge, propose an event idea!