Why am I so bad at talking to people?

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Disclaimer: My content is NOT a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. When in doubt, ask a therapist!

Why am I so bad at talking to people?

Trust me, I have ~~beaten myself up with this question~~ asked this question a million times!

Here are common scenarios where this question pops up:

A conversation didn’t go well (and you worry about how you came across)
A conversation isn’t going well (for example, the person isn’t opening up, no matter how hard you try)
You’re too nervous to start a conversation (as a result of anticipatory anxiety)

Because the question often leads to difficult emotions like shame, here’s what I’d say first and foremost…

It’s a normal reaction during/after social situations

Feeling bad about your social skills is totally normal! We all crave human connection, and it can feel painful when that doesn’t seem to be happening.

The question is also an interpretation of your mind, which is a problem-solving machine (as Russ Harris would say). Let me explain:

In the face of anxiety, your mind is on high-alert mode…

In our high-anxiety mode, we tend to magnify the perceived flaws in our talking, and assume that “I am bad at talking”.

Having said all this, it’s really important to not take the thought at face value…

Why it’s ultimately an unhelpful question

Asking yourself this question might seem like a good thing to do. Right?

After all, if you really want to improve your conversational skills, shouldn’t you be analyzing your shortcomings and finding solutions?

Here’s why the question is more unhelpful than most realize:

1. Assumed truth

The question is kind of like a Trojan Horse. Why?

Notice how it slides in a factual claim — that you are definitely bad at talking to people. No question about it whatsoever.

2. Implicit judgment

The question is a form of negative self-evaluation, in other words, self-criticism.

Underlying self-criticism is often perfectionism, which then triggers an entire cycle of analyzing and ruminating.

3. Memory distortion

Questions frame reality.

And when a question assumes a certain truth, your brain will automatically and fully focus on finding answers within that truth… and it won’t think of anything else until it’s done. (this is known as “instinctive elaboration”)

In the case of social anxiety — where you’re more likely to notice any possible social threats — the question of “Why am I so bad at talking to people” further accelerates the search for negativity.

It’s like Google search on steroids, if you think about it…

To sum it up:

The question really is a trap — it’s a trap that gets you overthinking and feeling even worse, rather than helping you do what really matters: connecting with people despite your anxiety.

So here’s what to do instead…

Question the question

Rather than taking the question as truth, poke holes in the question like a good prosecutor would.

(We have thousands of thoughts on any given day, and not all of them are true or even accurate!)

Counter with questions like:

Well, how do I know that?
Who said that? How credible are they, anyway?
What if I’m better than I think? (To back this up, think of past conversations that went well)

In cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), this approach is known as cognitive restructuring.

Set more realistic social goals

As I mentioned, the question implies perfectionism: if you don’t meet your impossibly high social standards, you are a social failure.

Learn more about the connection between social anxiety and perfectionism here.

Now, the desire to improve is healthy — it just needs to be channeled more productively. I will write a full article on setting social goals soon, but here are some tips:

Be specific: Being “great” at conversations is a vague goal, and there’s no way you can gauge your progress. On the other hand, “saying hi to at least one person at a social event” is specific and measurable.

Keep a log of better-than-I-thought conversations: Because it’s so easy for the mind to distort your memory, it’s helpful to have evidence on conversations that went well (especially ones that you didn’t expect).
Be mindful of external influences: Thanks to social media, we have unknowingly “downloaded” the expectation that we need to be always charming, funny, or wise. Here’s one question that can help strip away these influences: “If you didn’t have to impress anyone or meet anyone’s standards, what would be your definition of social success?”
Leave room for failure: Expect that some conversations will bomb, and that’s OK. In fact, having awkward or boring conversations is a necessary — even if painful — part of becoming socially skilled.

👉 List of questions to help you set better goals

Acknowledge the feeling behind the question

Apart from challenging the question, you can also acknowledge the question as well as the feeling behind it.

Remember: the question is a normal reaction when you feel social anxiety.

To acknowledge, simply note to yourself: “I’m feeling…”

Here are a few other ways to be more aware of your feelings:

Just keep connecting

Back to what I said about the question being a trap…

The biggest mistake is avoiding social situations because you doubt your ability to make good/great conversation. It’s almost as if you’re equating the following:

“I will talk to others only when I feel confident/when I improve my social skills”

Here’s the problem with that:

If you don’t practice your social skills, how will you get better at conversations?

And, being confident doesn’t mean that you’re anxiety-free. You can feel anxious and still make friends! (I go a lot deeper into this here.)

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