For many, family gatherings are like canned peas — they aren’t bad, but they aren’t memorable either.
Why is this the case?
Priya Parker, the author of The Art of Gathering, wrote:
“We end up gathering in ways that don’t serve us, or not connecting when we ought to”
In the same book, she offered a solution:
“Gatherings crackle and flourish when real thought goes into them, when (often invisible) structure is baked into them, and when a host has the curiosity, willingness, and generosity of spirit to try.”
Whether you’re the host or not, how can you turn the mundane — or infuriating — family gathering into something magical?
Here are a few questions and tips to spark meaningful conversation among immediate or extended family members:
Small talk
- How have you been?
- What’s new with you?
- What’re you working on these days? (More questions on goals here.)
- What’s one thing you learned recently?
- What would you like to try learning/doing?
Fun questions
- What was your favorite family gathering and why?
- If you were the host of our next family gathering, where would it be and what would we be doing?
- What’s one food/drink that our family gatherings should have?
- What food/drink would you like to bring to our next family gathering?
- What anthem should we play at the start of every family gathering?
- What game do you think we should play at this or next gathering?
- If we were to invite a celebrity to our family gathering, who would it be?
Each family has its own quirks, and it’s hard to know what might work for yours or not. To be safe, I brainstormed questions that are a) directly related to family gatherings b) don’t push the envelope too much.
You can also check out other fun, family-friendly questions here and here.
Deep questions
- What means the most to you in life?
- What’s your secret obsession/passion?
- What’s something that most people don’t know about you that you’re proud of?
- What’s the greatest challenge you’ve overcome?
- What’s your greatest struggle right now? (h/t: to Humans of New York founder, Brandon Stanton)
- What legacy do you want to leave behind?
These questions will help you discover a little-known or unknown side of your family member. Since these questions go deep, ask these questions when people are relaxing into the gathering and you’ve been connecting with them for a while.
Tips for more meaningful conversations
Organized the next family gathering with a purpose
Family gatherings are often poorly planned, and understandably so — no one’s a professional event planner! But a meaningful family gathering often comes to one thing: what’s the purpose behind it? Why are you gathering, really? Just because you’re family… or because you care about each other’s growth? You might not have an answer right now, but let this sit and see what your mind comes up with in the weeks to come.
“the first step in convening people meaningfully: committing to a bold, sharp purpose.”
— Priya Parker, author of The Art of Gathering
Create space for 1-on-1 conversations
It can be hard to be vulnerable in a group conversation — especially when a few people suck up the bulk of the talking time. If you want to have a heart-to-heart chat with a family member, consider pulling them aside — or sitting right beside them at least — to have more privacy.
Understand their career and lifestyle choices on a deeper level
More often than not, we understand our immediate or extended family members on a superficial level. And that’s normal given the closeness-communication bias (we think we know them well but we actually don’t). Here are questions to help you challenge your assumptions about their career or life:
- 30 lifestyle conversation starters for deeper connections
- 77 career conversation starters for employees, bosses, networking professionals (go straight to the social events section)
Accept your dislike (and communicate despite that)
There’s always that loud-mouthed uncle, overly intrusive aunt, or spoiled cousin that gets on your nerves at family gatherings. While you would rather talk to a melting ice cube, it’s important to communicate with respect and grace whenever you can. Here’s how:
How to keep a conversation going with people you don’t like
(Of course, you can always end the conversation if it gets too boring, or if things get too negative.)
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