You haven’t talked to a friend for a long time…
It’s been months or even years since the last conversation.
How do you reach out and kickstart the friendship again without being awkward about it?
When I migrated to Canada in 2016 and moved back to Malaysia in 2019, I spent a lot of effort reconnecting with old friends in both countries — it was almost as if we were getting to know each other once again.
Based on my successes, here are a few conversation starters that have worked over and over:
Just say hi!
“What if they don’t want to hear from me?”
“What if they aren’t interested in reconnecting?”
These are common, understandable worries, but they aren’t accurate. A study of 5,900 participants shows that people were far more grateful to be reached out to than expected. Express your intent to reconnect by saying something like:
- Let’s catch up?
- Wanna chat soon?
- Would you like to reconnect?
- I miss talking to/hanging out with you!
Comment on how quickly time flies
When reaching out, I also recommend commenting on the lapse in communication, since that deepens the sense of surprise — most people aren’t aware of how quickly time passes until someone else points out the fact.
- Can’t believe it’s already [the current year]…
- Wow, it’s been years since we last talked!
- The last time we met was years ago.
Recall your happy moments together
Reminding someone of your shared history — especially if you were close to them before — makes them more receptive to chatting. According to research, nostalgia makes people more open to connecting with friends.
Refer to places, people, or events that you are both familiar with, by starting with one of the following phrases:
- Remember when…
- Back in our days…
- I missed when we were…
Find out who they’ve stayed in touch with
Still struggling to find things in common to talk about? Here’s an easy way out: talk about how you both were part of the same organization e.g. school or company.
This reminds you of your times together, and it also helps you identify other old friends to reconnect with. Ask one of the following questions:
- Do you still talk to [your mutual friend]?
- Do you remember [your mutual friend]?
- Who else in our [class/school etc.] do you still keep in touch with?
Learn about what they’ve been up to
There’s only so much you can reminisce about. By getting your friend to update you on their career/life changes, it’ll be a lot easier to continue the conversation and rebuild the friendship. Ask one of the following questions:
- How have you been?
- What’s new?
- What’re you working on these days? (More questions on goals here.)
- What’s your biggest change since we last met?
Now, it’s common to run into dead ends since you haven’t talked for some time. Here are specific conversation strategies if you don’t know what to say.
Make plans to talk again
If you click with your old friend, schedule the next meetup/call before you leave. This makes sure that things don’t fall through the cracks — it’s too often that we say “let’s meet again” but never do due to other commitments.
However, if you don’t enjoy the conversation for whatever reason, that’s OK! Just end the conversation politely: thank them for the time and appreciate the fact that you got to reconnect once at least.
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