I was smiling.
But I was actually panicking.
There I was, a 20-year-old university student, chatting with a 60-year-old politician-turned-marketing-director. It didn’t help that he was incredibly accomplished in both careers.
My social anxiety unleashed a flood of thoughts, like:
Do I sound stupid or naive?
Am I asking the right questions?
Is he getting bored?
It took me many, many conversations to be comfortable in my skin and to authentically connect with him.
In this article, I will share a few tested-and-proven ways that you can keep the conversation flowing with older or more experienced peeps.
But before we jump in, here are a few foundational mindsets that will make any conversation easier for you:
Accept that you will feel out of water
It’s completely normal that you will feel nervous or awkward. After all, talking with someone who isn’t of the same background can lead to a heightened sense of uncertainty and fear. Especially when you feel lesser than the other person!
Rather than judging yourself for what you feel, try doing this instead:
- Tell yourself that “It’s OK that I’m feeling this way”
- Ask yourself this question: “How can I connect with him/her despite my difficult feelings?”
And if you worry about their judgment, acknowledge the thought and emotion for a moment. Then bring the attention back to the conversation.
Accepting how you feel — and aligning with your values despite the emotion — is key in having a healthier relationship with your feelings.
(This approach is based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which I’m a strong advocate for)
Consider that they will feel what you feel too
As human beings, we tend to grossly overestimate how much people are paying attention to us. This is known as the spotlight effect in psychology.
What does this really mean? While you might worry about what the other person thinks about you, they might actually be preoccupied with their own reality and emotions!
For example, older people have told me how they envy a younger person’s drive. Experienced professionals have shared how they wish they could learn from scratch like newbies do (and avoid the painful mistakes in their career).
See them for who they are, not for their age
While it’s helpful to acknowledge the generational/experience gap, I’d focus a lot more on understanding the other person for who they are.
Chances are, you both have more in common than you think, which leads to my next point…
Talk about universal topics
Rather than talking about age-specific topics, I like talking about topics that anyone can contribute to. Why? Having common interests or preferences helps you build trust faster.
Think about it: if you both like the same basketball team, who cares that you have a thirty-year age gap?:)
Here’s a list of conversations starters, organized by topic:
- 44 art conversation starters and questions to talk with anyone
- 60 sports conversation starters and questions to talk with anyone
- 91 food conversation starters and questions to talk with anyone
- 30 celebrity conversation starters to talk with anyone
- 74 habits conversation starters and questions to spark meaningful conversations
- 54 goals conversation starters to spark deep conversations
- 47 dreams conversation starters for adults and kids
Ask them about their career and life journey
This is the main reason why I love talking with older or more experienced people: they have a wealth of knowledge and experience. I often learn so much more from a great conversation with them than from reading a book.
As you listen to their life stories and lessons, you will realize that they are human i.e. they’ve struggled and they’ve made mistakes 🙂
Here are various lists of questions to spark deeper conversations with them:
- 77 career conversation starters for employees, bosses, networking professionals
- 47 dreams conversation starters for adults and kids
- 50 midlife crisis questions to spark deep conversations (ignore the title, check out the questions)
Seek out their advice (and act on it)
As I wrote a few paragraphs ago, older folks are walking libraries. I already linked to conversation starters above, but here are a few of my favorite questions to get their best insights:
- “What career/life advice would you give to your younger self?”
- “If you were in my shoes, how would you solve [a specific challenge/problem]?”
- “If you were to start all over again in your career/business, what’s the #1 thing you would focus on?”
Once they tell you what to do or not, make a note to apply what they said. Then, follow up to thank them for their advice.
This will instantly make them remember and like you more, since most people don’t ask for advice, let alone take action.
Offer your unique perspective as a younger/less experienced person
It’s easy to feel that you have nothing valuable to offer. But what I’ve found is that by virtue of being younger in life, or being newer to a field, you see and solve things differently.
For example, you might understand the newest social media platform better than someone who’s used to print media.
This is why I enjoy mentoring younger folks from time to time: I learn from them as much as they learn from me!
Useful phrases to keep the conversation going
These phrases are especially helpful when you get nervous, since they are simple and will work for any conversation you have.
25 useful phrases to keep a conversation going (and avoid awkward silence)