How to keep a conversation going with people you don't like

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If the world was a perfect place, we would only talk with people we like.

Unfortunately, that’s not how reality works 🙂

Whether it’s an intrusive e relative at a family reunion, or a demanding manager at work, learning how to communicate gracefully — despite your dislike — is a valuable skill.

Here are a few ways to do it:

Accept your dislike without judging yourself or them

Dislike is a difficult emotion for many. It’s far easier to go into blame-and-shame mode, where we beat ourselves up for feeling that way and/or we judge the other person critically.

It’s important to understand that it’s actually human nature to dislike others…. and there will be countless things that trigger our dislike. Yep. That’s right. Here’s what American biologist Robert Sapolsky wrote:

“Humans universally make Us/Them dichotomies along lines of race, ethnicity, gender, language group, religion, age, socioeconomic status, and so on… Considerable evidence suggests that dividing the world into Us and Them is deeply hard-wired in our brains, with an ancient evolutionary legacy.”

While it might be innately human to dislike others, it’s also important to go deeper, which leads to my next point:

Understand exactly why you dislike them

If you have more clarity about your dislike, you can find ways to address or make peace with it — which will make the conversation a whole lot easier.

Here are a few questions to help you delve emotionally:

What about their words or actions has made you feel <insert difficult emotion>?
What situations make you dislike them the most? (What about situations where you dislike them less?)
Are there other emotions that come along with the dislike? What are they and why?
What’s the deeper emotion under the dislike, if any?

Challenge your dislike if needed

If you want to try changing how you think about the other person, cognitive restructuring can help. This is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy technique where you address your thought and find ways to see it differently.

Here are a few questions to challenge and potentially reframe your dislike:

Am I 100% sure that this person is <insert your judgment>?
Do I dislike absolutely everything about this person? Is it possible that there’s something likable about him/her?
What’s another way to look at her/his <personality, behavior etc.>?
What’s the evidence for my dislike? What’s the evidence against the dislike?

My favorite question comes from the Power Of Awareness course that I went through:

Ask yourself, “If I had to let go of this story of ‘wrongness,’ what difficult emotion would I have to feel?”

When you’re a bit more able to accept your dislike, here’s how to then communicate despite the challenging emotion:

Talk about “safe” topics

Safe topics are generally topics that don’t require a lot of self-disclosure. For example food, music… or even the weather.

Here’s a list of conversation starters on safe topics:

Talk about something you’re both interested in

When you dislike someone, it’s easy to fixate on what makes them so annoying or frustrating.

Having a common interest helps you shift that focus and find possible points of agreement with the other person.

For example, while I’m not the biggest fan of a relative, we manage to have interesting conversations at family gatherings, as we share the same passion for the arts.

Set clear boundaries regarding what you dislike

If there’s a specific behavior that triggers your dislike — especially if it’s intrusive — consider letting them know right away, so that they don’t repeat it. Here’s what I’d say:

“I’m sure that it’s not your intent, but when you do <behavior>, I feel <emotion>. Would you mind stopping <behavior>?”

The key is to communicate how you feel without blaming them or subtly making them responsible for your emotions. (This approach is based on the Nonviolent Communication framework.)

If they don’t seem receptive, consider walking away from the conversation. Here’s how to do it:

End the conversation gracefully

When keeping the conversation going doesn’t feel possible, it’s completely OK to disengage. Here’s how to end the conversation politely and simply.

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