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Disclaimer: My content is NOT a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. When in doubt, ask a therapist!
Mindfulness has become a buzzword.
You can slap mindfulness on almost everything and make yourself sound enlightened.
So let’s start by defining mindfulness: what is it, and does it help with social anxiety?
What is mindfulness and how it helps
Mindfulness is about noticing your thoughts and emotions nonjudgmentally and compassionately. (Meditation is only one of the many mindfulness practices.)
Here’s how Tara Brach, a celebrated mindfulness teacher, defines it:
“Mindfulness is the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose and non-judgmentally to the unfolding of moment to moment experience.”
A meta-review of 16 studies shows that mindfulness-based intervention programs are an effective treatment for social anxiety. While cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) was more effective, mindfulness was still recommended as an alternative to CBT due to its long term benefits.
Harvard researchers even found that mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) was as potent as medication in treating anxiety!
But why does mindfulness work so well?
In another study — where mindfulness training helped participants decrease anxiety and increase confidence — researchers explained:
“Being able to shift from evaluative to nonevaluative awareness is a psychological skill that may be related to reductions in negative self-focused rumination. Decreased self-focused attention may account for the adaptive shift in social self-view in patients with [social anxiety disorder] during [mindfulness-based stress reduction]”
How to be more mindful
This might be good news for some people: you don’t have to sit down and meditate to benefit from mindfulness. Here are a few tips that you can apply in any social situation:
Step outside the Fog of Thoughts
Human beings think a lot. A study shows that adults typically have 6,000 thoughts per day.
Thinking is important — it’s how we create and innovate as a species — but when you’re caught in your thoughts, it can become problematic. It’s like you’re in a fog or cloud… and that’s the reality you see (but it isn’t!)
To regain perspective, practice noticing your thoughts. This helps you gain some distance from your thoughts, rather than getting consumed by them.
- Notice: Notice how you get engrossed in them, how one thought leads to another, and how thoughts are often blended with emotions.
- Name: When you notice that your attention is pulled away by your thoughts, note to yourself: I’m thinking” or “I’m having this thought again…”
- Refocus: When you do get distracted by your thoughts, just refocus on the conversation without judging yourself.
Label your feelings
“Since ancient times, shamans have known that when you name the dragon, it already begins to give you power over it.”
— Jack Kornfield
Labeling is one of my favorite mindfulness techniques, because it’s easy to apply — all you have to do is say “I’m feeling….” — and it’s proven by neuroscience research.
By naming your feelings, you recognize and validate them, which then creates space between you and your emotional experience, ultimately reducing its intensity.
Matthew Lieberman, a UCLA psychology professor, said:
“In the same way you hit the brake when you’re driving when you see a yellow light, when you put feelings into words, you seem to be hitting the brakes on your emotional responses.”
Return to your body
In moments of heightened anxiety, your attention narrows and latches onto what might be threatening. It’s almost as if you’ve shrunk your entire presence into your anxiety.
By noticing your physical sensations, you broaden your attention, which means that you focus less on your anxious thoughts. Here’s what you could notice:
- How the breath moves throughout your body (notice the difference between breathing in and breathing out)
- How the skin feels under the clothes (vs. in the air)
- How a specific body part moves (for instance, move your hand or foot — see how the muscles extend and contact)
Take a mindful bite (or sip)
This is especially helpful at social events where there’s food and drinks. As you eat, slow down your chewing and notice the following things:
- Is the food hot? Cold?
- What flavor is it? Are there other flavors?
- What’s the texture? Hard? Soft? Sticky? Watery?
- What does it smell like?
You don’t have to do this for the entire meal. Just a few mindful bites — from time to time — is enough.
Pause in the middle of conversation
“I handle the notes no better than many others.
But the pauses, ah, that’s where the art resides.”— Arthur Rubinstein
What makes anxiety particularly challenging is how automatic your thoughts and corresponding reactions are. You feel a surge of anxiety and your mind goes blank, just like a switch that gets turned off… (here’s what to do when that happens, btw)
It’s impossible to not feel anxious, but it’s possible to respond rather than react. One mindfulness technique I recommend is pausing. As soon as you feel the temptation to react, here’s what you do:
- Breathe in. Stop talking.
- Note the temptation to react internally (by judging) or externally (by saying something). Let it go.
- Breathe out… and continue the conversation!
Accept your experience as is
Here’s what underlies mindfulness practices that I have mentioned and in general…
Acceptance of whatever you’re feeling and thinking, even if it’s unpleasant.
Research shows that this is the key to nonjudgmental attention. After all, if you aren’t resisting your experience — avoiding it or fighting against it — being present is a lot easier.
To cultivate acceptance, I often ask myself this question, which comes from Tara Brach (you can tell that I really like her):
“Can I be with this? Can I let this be, just as it is?”
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