I hate to be one of those “good old days” guys, but tight-knit neighborhoods are really becoming a thing of the past… you know, what you would see in your grandma’s musty vintage photographs.
In a 2018 Pew Research Center survey, 50% of Americans said that they talk with their neighbors about once a month or less. This is the case for many other countries too, including Australia, the UK, and Singapore.
Why are we so disconnected from our neighborhoods? Paulin Straughan, a sociologist, explains why:
“Modern society prides itself on being independent. As a result, we don’t make the additional effort to reach out to our neighbours… combined with the work stress that comes with urban living, when you retreat to the sanctity of your own home, you want it to be your own private sphere. Many of us put up a sub-conscious barrier and it becomes a norm.”
So, how can you start talking to neighbors, even if it isn’t the norm in your community?
When I moved from Canada to Malaysia — my home country — in 2020, I found myself not knowing any of my neighbors, and it took me months to build relationships from scratch.
In this article, I’ll share what’s worked best for me. I’ve also interviewed Coleen Yap, a neighborhood association leader, and Raz Roslan, an active member of her apartment community.
Say hi and smile
This sounds so simple, but remember that a lot of people don’t even greet their neighbors! Saying hi signals that you’re approachable, which helps let their guard down.
Here’s what Coleen said:
“The best way to start is just being a nice, friendly person. When I’m on my porch, and I see my neighbor come in, I say hi (as opposed to ignoring and minding my own business). When passing by a neighbor on the street, I say hi.”
If they aren’t your next-door neighbor, you can introduce yourself:
“Hi, I stay at <house number, street name>. What about you?”
Wish them happy holidays
h/t: Raz
Whatever the festive season is, you can display your warmth by saying holiday greetings — a simple “happy <holiday name>” is all you need. Other variations include:
- Have a good <holiday name>!
- Happy <holiday name>! Any holiday plans?
Comment on their activity
Wouldn’t this be perceived as nosy? Nope! Showing interest in getting to know your neighbor is usually flattering. Here’s the key: in the initial interactions, keep your question or comment to small talk. Here are a few examples:
- Just came back from work?
- Have you got breakfast/lunch/supper?
- Going out this weekend?
If they respond positively, here’s how to keep the conversation going:
25 useful phrases to keep a conversation going (and avoid awkward silence)
Learn about their history with the neighborhood
It’s always fascinating to learn about why someone puts down roots in a place (even if temporarily). Why? It reveals how they make important life decisions — in this case, where to stay — which helps build a meaningful relationship.
Here are specific questions that you could ask:
- When did you move into this neighborhood?/How long have you been staying here?
- What made you decide to stay here vs. other places?
- How have you found our neighborhood so far?
- What do you like the most about our neighborhood?
- What’s one thing you would change about our neighborhood?
Share an interesting piece of community news
Staying in the same neighborhood makes it a lot easier to start conversations, since there are a lot of local topics that you can both relate to. You could make comments like:
- Weather: “Man, the pavements are so slippery today.”
- Community spaces: “So happy that they upgraded the park.”
- Neighborhood restaurants, cafes: “A BBQ joint just opened at…”
- Events: “There’s a yard sale this weekend!”
Compliment them
If you’re walking past their house or apartment and they happen to be nearby, make a quick compliment. Here’s what to compliment on:
- House/apartment exterior: Any pretty outdoor decor? You could say, “Man, I love the color of your gate!”
- Garden: Do they have any plants? You could say, “Wow, you sure have a green thumb.”
- Pets: Do they have any pets? You could say, “Your pet is so cute! What’s its name?”
Ask for recommendations
If you’re looking up home service providers, why not ask your neighbor for recommendations? That way, you can find someone who’s reliable and build a relationship with your neighbor at the same time.
(If you’re worried that they might turn you down, this might make you feel better: research actually shows that people want to help more than you think!)
Here are examples of other recommendation requests:
- The best neighborhood restaurant or cafe
- The closest park nearby
- Their favorite gym in the community
Offer help with anything they might need
If you see your neighbor struggling to carry something — whether it’s a piece of furniture or a heavy parcel — offer to help! All you have to say is, “Need a hand?” or “Can I help?”
Even if they say no, that’s OK. By showing them that you’re willing to lend a helping hand, you open up the door to a conversation 🙂
Bake/cook something for your neighbors
Home-cooked meals or baked goods are especially delightful in an era of deliveries, which makes sharing food a great way to connect with your neighbor.
Whenever my mum and I bring meals or baked goods to our neighbors, they beam in delight and usually reciprocate later, which leads to even more conversations.
Two things to note, though:
- If possible, find out beforehand if your neighbor is allergic to anything.
- If you don’t cook or bake, that’s OK! You could get them something when you order food delivery or shop at the grocery store.
Invite them over for coffee or lunch
Once you’ve gotten to know your neighbor a bit better, invite them out for coffee or lunch, which helps you have longer conversations. Research shows that eating together helps people feel closer to each other — no matter what culture they’re from.
Here’s how you can make an invitation:
- Would you like to grab a quick cup of coffee on the weekend?
- Would you like to grab lunch together tomorrow?
Now, if they say no, it might simply be because they are busy. Invite them 2-3 more times, and if they keep declining the invitation, that’s a clear sign of disinterest.
Other tips to make it easier to start a conversation
Talk to people in community spaces
Ideally, pick community spaces where you’re engaging in the same activity as other people. Raz shared her experience of talking with parents at the playground:
“There’s a couple of small playgrounds in my apartment compound; usually parents will be there with their kids, and parents are happy to talk to other people who care for little ones. So I feel a lot more confident to build a relationship with the other adults there when I have my niece with me.”
You might not have a niece like Raz does, but do you share at least one interest with others? Here are a few resources to get you started:
- 6 easy ways to talk to strangers at a park
- 10 easy ways to talk to strangers at a cafe
- 7 easy ways to talk to strangers in a restaurant
- 8 easy ways to talk to people at a gym (without being creepy)
Join special interest communities within your community
Speaking of common interests, you will very likely come across sub-communities that your neighbors have started. Raz said:
“We have many special interest groups that are advertised regularly, either virtually (in the Whatsapp groups) and/or physically (in the lifts + notice sections). For example, sports group, bikers group, ladies group, mothers group, marketplace group (to buy and sell things), etc.”
Find one that you’re reasonably interested in, and show up at its events regularly.
(And if you don’t see a special interest community that you’re interested in, consider starting one!)
Join the neighborhood’s virtual group
If talking in person feels too daunting, try interacting with your neighbors online at first. Many communities have their own online forums or messaging groups.
And as you get comfortable, transition the relationship from online to offline. For example, say hi when you see them on the streets, or invite them for coffee as I mentioned.
Join community events
From time to time, the resident association and/or special interest groups will host events in the neighborhood. Keep an eye out, be mindful of FOMO — you don’t need to go to everything! — and attend the ones you’re interested in.
Be a community leader
Joining the resident association is one of the best strategies to know your neighbors on a meaningful level: by advocating for your community’s safety & wellbeing, you naturally build a positive reputation among the neighbors.
Start a community project
This obviously is much more work than the other tips I mentioned, but it’s incredibly impactful.
As your community project spreads word-of-mouth, people will naturally want to say hi and get to know you. I’ve experienced how powerful this can be when I started a photo story project in a small Canadian town — I ended up getting to know hundreds of people over time.
Here’s a list of community project ideas for your inspiration 🙂
Related articles