Here’s a puzzle that humanity has been trying to solve for centuries…
Most parents want the best for their children.
Most children certainly don’t wish ill on their parents.
Why is parent-child communication so hard then??
Is it a matter of the generational gap?
Is it a challenge of navigating family roles?
Or are parents/children just plain old jerks??
As an adult, talking with my parents is often harder than launching a successful product from scratch… and it took me years of learning, reflecting and experimenting to figure out the best way to communicate with them.
Based on my “in-the-trenches” experience, here’s how to communicate with your parents as an adult (without throwing plates or insults at each other):
Do a “relationship reset” with your parents
By “relationship reset”, I mean communicating a) your needs and boundaries as an adult b) how they have changed since your childhood years. Why is that important?
One, it’s common for parents to communicate or behave as if you’re still a child. This isn’t because they are insensitive, it’s because they are a lot more used to you as their child, rather than a grown-up human being. Second, your parents are probably not as aware of your growth as you are.
According to Vienna Pharaon, a marriage and family therapist, here’s how to communicate your boundaries:
- I want to place/lift a boundary in response to…
- Doing this makes me feel I’m honoring me or abandoning/betraying me…
- Doing this makes me feel I’m honoring you or abandoning/betraying you…
- What I would do if I could both honor me and you simultaneously…
- And that would sound like…
Communication around your needs and boundaries isn’t a one-time thing. Instead, it’s a continual, fluid process, as it takes time for your parents to fully understand you as an adult. In other words, be as patient as possible!
Understand your childhood frustrations
Doing a “relationship reset” also means looking within. Specifically, understand how past emotions and thoughts about your parents can often trigger current frustration when talking to them.
A common point of frustration is unmet needs when you were a child. For example, you grew up craving acknowledgement from your parents. When you aren’t acknowledged in the present, the past hurt can trigger you to feel even more upset.
Ask yourself these questions (lightly modified version of Vienna‘s exercise):
- What am I feeling right now?
- What’s my need behind the emotion?
- What’s my story around having this need?
- How did I present this need as a child?
- What was the reaction? How was that responded to in that way?
Learn about your parents’ journey of bringing you up
As you understand how your childhood shapes who you are — and really, how you feel — take time to discover your parents’ parental history too. By seeing the parent-child relationship from their point of view, you will find it easier to be empathetic and grateful towards them.
- 23 mother-son conversation starters for deeper connection
- 21 father-son conversation starters for deeper connection
See your parents as human beings
It’s easy to see our parents for the fixed roles they play, instead for the ever-evolving human beings they are. And that makes sense, since parents play a critical role in your learning and growth, and you’re most familiar with their identity as our caregivers.
But when you become an adult just like them, it’s time for a perspective change! While still respecting our parents’ roles, start seeing how they have their own relationships, hobbies and even dreams outside of career and family. I’ve created lists of questions to help you spark conversations on these topics:
- 29 hobbies conversation starters to spark meaningful conversations
- 47 dreams conversation starters for adults and kids
- 54 goals conversation starters to spark deep conversations
Chat with your parents regularly
Whether you’re staying with your parents or living far away from them, having a regular stream of in-person/virtual conversations will help your parents accept your new adult identity. Here’s how to connect with your parents on a deeper level (even if it’s the mundane day-to-day):
- 10 family conversation starters for deeper connection
- 18 conversation starters for meaningful family gatherings
What to do if starting a conversation is too difficult
Sometimes, it just isn’t possible to get through to your parents. And that’s OK! Accept the difficult emotions about your parents, and nurture other loving relationships instead. Dr. Samantha Rodman, a clinical psychologist, advises:
“If you feel that it is uncomfortable to be around your parents, look outside the box of “family” and create the relationships you want among people you’re not related to.”
Related articles