Whether you love or hate your siblings, here’s the reality:
When your parents pass away, they will be your closest family members (by blood relation, at least. Susan Scarf Merell beautifully wrote…
“Our siblings. They resemble us just enough to make all their differences confusing, and love no matter what we choose to make of this, we are cast in relation to them our whole lives long.”
A few years ago, I came to this realization, and resolved to repair the relationship with my younger brother.
Now, we talk once a week, and also text each other throughout the week. I’m grateful that we were able to turn things around.
Based on my experience — and conversations with other friends who have siblings — here are a few ways to talk with your sibling without feeling like pulling each other’s hair out.
Acknowledge your/their grievances from the past
If you aren’t on talking terms, reaching out right away might not be the best idea.
Without enough emotional regulation, it’s easy for either/both of you to repeat unhelpful communication and behavior, further straining the relationship. (These patterns can also affect your children, as Dr. Avidan Milevsky pointed out: “Children tend to imitate the dynamics between their parents and their parents’ siblings.”)
Take some time to reflect on what difficult emotions you feel about your sibling and why. Then ask yourself, “Am I open to talking with my brother/sister despite the difficult emotions?”
It’s also critical to recognize that your sibling’s feelings are equally valid. Doing so is the first step to becoming more empathetic of your sibling. As Vienna Pharaon, a marriage and family therapist, said:
“Can you connect to some version of that or an experience that may make it hard for you to hear the hurt and pain of another, or to trust that another can hear the hurt and pain you carry?”
If it feels too hard to process your emotions, consider getting sibling counseling.
Take the initiative to reach out
If you haven’t talked in a while, it can feel awkward to reconnect with your sibling. Rather than waiting for them to ping you, take the lead and ask if they’re up for a call or in-person meetup.
Now, if things are too strained as I previously mentioned, consider texting or emailing at first, until they seem a bit more receptive to talking.
Talk about the history of your sibling relationship
Revisiting your shared experiences — especially the fun stuff — can help you bond together, as it reminds you of the bright spots in the relationship (even if there are conflicts). Here’s a list of questions to get you going.
I’d also recommend finding old family albums/photos and going through them with your sibling. It’s easier to reassess memories with visual prompts. Plus, seeing your younger faces smiling back at you is magical 🙂
Set up a regular time to meet or chat
As kids, we’d typically hang out with our siblings every day. But as we move out and develop our own lives, family time becomes a lot more scarce. This is especially true if your sibling is living in another state or country.
To make sure that your sibling relationship doesn’t fall through the cracks, propose a recurring date and time to connect. This could be a weekly, monthly, or even quarter thing — whatever that you both feel comfortable committing to.
Discover interests that you have in common
As you grow older, you will naturally change. If your sibling has the same passions or hobbies, great! If not, learn about what they’re into these days. This helps you find meaningful things that you can talk about, especially if you share the same interests.
29 hobbies conversation starters to spark meaningful conversations
Tell them that you love them
Your sibling isn’t a mind reader. If you want them to know you truly care, tell them! Here’s what you could say:
- General: “I love you”, “I appreciate you”, “I want you to know that I care”
- Specific: “I’m grateful for our relationship because…”
Two things to note. First, you don’t have to force yourself to say what you aren’t feeling. If the best you can do is express respect, that’s OK — go with what feels right. Second, if verbally expressing your affection is too cheesy, get your sibling a gift or write them a letter instead.
Support their learning & growth
Sibling rivalry can be deep-seated since it often spans back to your childhood. One powerful way to go from competition to collaboration is to be “learning buddies”, which helps you focus on winning together.
Once you learn more about their goals, ask what help they’re looking for. Depending on their response, you could be helpful with one of the following ways:
- Provide research support: There’s so much information out there, which can make it hard to decide who/what to learn from. You could help filter helpful books/courses to help them find high-quality learning resources. (I’m a fan of my long-time collaborator’s 5x rule, which states: “If you can’t see how you can use the knowledge to make at least 5x the cost of the course in 5 years than don’t make the investment.”)
- Provide financial support: If you can afford it, why not sponsor your sibling’s learning? This can be as simple as a Starbucks gift card (to keep them awake while studying!)
- Provide emotional support: Various emotions will come up on one’s learning journey, and it can be tough to keep moving forward without an “emotional safety net” from family members. Encourage them to keep learning and growing.
Related articles