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Disclaimer: My content is NOT a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. When in doubt, ask a therapist!
Exposure therapy is a cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) technique that helps patients learn to manage their anxiety, by either imagining or experiencing the fears in real life.
In layman’s terms, you’re deliberately putting yourself in situations that trigger your anxiety, so that your brain learns that
a) they aren’t as scary as you think, and/or
b) you’re more capable of coping with anxiety than you think.
Let me give you a few examples:
- Feel socially anxious when talking to older people? Volunteer at a retirement home over the weekend.
- Find group conversations too intimidating? Practice talking in a smaller group of three (including yourself).
- Too nervous to go on dates? Say hi to one attractive stranger on the street, and do that every day for a week.
I’ve done exposure therapy for the last 11 years, and it’s one of the most powerful things that I’ve done to work through my social anxiety.
I also prefer thinking of exposure as a series of courage challenges, or comfort zone challenges (credit: Elizabeth DuPont Spencer, LCSW). It just sounds a lot more empowering and exciting.
Now, before we jump into the list of exposure challenges you could consider, here’s a big disclaimer…
The enemy of exposure therapy
As powerful as exposure therapy is for social anxiety and other anxiety disorders, there’s one thing that can completely eliminate its benefits:
Safety behaviors.
What are they? As I explained in this article, safety behaviors are things you do/don’t do to feel safe and avoid feeling socially anxious.
When you engage in safety behaviors, you don’t learn that you can handle the anxiety during exposure.
(If you’re interested to learn more, I went deeper into this problem here.)
Now that we’ve addressed what often results in ineffective exposure, here’s a list of exposure challenges for social anxiety!
Exposure challenges: the starter pack edition
Recently, I had lunch with Rebecca Koay, M.Couns., and we both agreed that the simplest of interactions can often trigger social anxiety.
Inspired by the conversation, I came up with a list of exposure challenges that you can try regardless of the situation:
- Say hi
- Smile (while looking someone in the eye)
- Make eye contact for more than one second
- Share what you think/feel without filtering yourself
- Talk louder than you normally world
Talking to strangers/acquaintances
- Chat up a barista or waiter
- Make small talk with your colleague
- Say hi to your neighbor
- Say hi to a stranger during an activity e.g. walking
- Ask an acquaintance for a simple favor e.g. taking a picture of you
- Ask an acquaintance for a difficult favor e.g. borrowing money
- Ask a favor from a stranger
- Interview strangers on the street (like I did!)
- Call an old friend that you lost touch with
- Cold call a local business or organization (one that you haven’t called)
Related article: How to start a conversation with anyone
Being the center of attention
- Share your opinion in a group conversation
- Lead a group conversation, e.g. become a facilitator
- Attend a party
- Attend a party in the flashiest outfit that you could find
- Attend a networking event or conference
- Give a talk or workshop
- Host a social gathering, say a dinner party
- Sing a song or perform in front of others
- Do something silly or embarrassing in public…. like this guy
Doing something while being observed
- Walk in public
- Eat or drink
- Have a phone or video call
- Do something you’re good at
- Do something you’re bad at
Talking to authority figures
- Ask your boss or manager for feedback
- Ask for a promotion or raise
- Interview an experienced expert in your field
- Get advice from your parents or grandparents
- Reach out to someone you admire for mentorship
Related article: How to keep the conversation going with someone older or more experienced
Talking to attractive people
- Say hi to an attractive stranger
- Give them a compliment (e.g. their shirt/dress)
- Have a 5-min conversation with them
- Ask an attractive stranger for their number
- Ask them out on a date
- Text someone you’re romantically interested in and ask them out
Related articles:
10 ways to start a conversation with a girl (without being awkward or creepy)
7 ways to start a conversation with a guy (without being awkward)
Being assertive
- Say no to a request
- Ask for help on a simple task
- Ask for help on a difficult task, say lending money
- Ask for help on an absurd task (here’s one of my favorite examples)
- Haggle for a discount
- Request an off-menu item at a restaurant/cafe
- Share a need/preference of yours
- Share an unpopular and even controversial opinion
- Disagree with what they said (here’s how to do it tactfully)
- Disagree without downplaying your opinion or apologizing
- Give constructive criticism
- Defend yourself in the face of criticism (here’s how)
Not smiling
- Not smiling at something they said (you neither agree nor disagree)
- Not smiling at something they said that you disagree with
- Not smiling when you share a difficult emotion/situation you experienced (to downplay what you feel)
- Not smiling when you set boundaries (e.g. if they made you uncomfortable)
- Frowning at something they said that you disagree with
(Learn more about the connection between polite smiling and social anxiety here.)
Exposure challenge tips
- Create an exposure hierarchy: Brainstorm a list of 5-10 exposure challenges, rank them from easy to hard, start with the easier ones, and build your confidence from there.
- Do a pre-mortem before the challenge: Ask yourself: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely will I do this challenge?” If it’s anything less than 9, modify the challenge so that it’s more manageable. (But don’t make it too easy: exposure therapy is meant to be challenging!)
- Acknowledge your emotions after the challenge: It’s common and normal to feel difficult emotions post-exposure — say embarrassment because you didn’t say the “right” thing, or they weren’t receptive.
Rather than ruminating, which only makes your anxiety worse, acknowledge whatever happened: Does mindfulness help social anxiety? Yes (here’s how) - Get an accountability buddy: Exposure challenges can feel less difficult when you have a supportive peer or community. You’re also more likely to follow through, rather than fall back to old patterns of avoidance.
- Avoid the pitfalls around exposure therapy: Apart from what I mentioned about safety behaviors, here’s a list of other reasons why exposure therapy might not work.
- Do a social anxiety quiz: This gives you an idea of what exposure challenges are more/less relevant. The one I recommend is Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale (LSAS).
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