School can often be the best place to make friends. Why?
That’s when you have few commitments and lots of time to hang out. When you have a job and family, prioritizing friends becomes a lot harder.
Growing up, I moved to four different schools, as a) my dad changed jobs b) I really didn’t get along with a teacher in one of the schools. (I will spare you the drama on the latter).
While rebuilding friendships wasn’t fun — especially when my name kept getting mispronounced — I learned to be friendly and proactive when approaching new classmates.
In my article, I’ll share 13 easy ways that you can start conversations with your classmates (whether you’re in high school, college, undergrad, or postgrad studies).
And, to make the article more comprehensive, I asked my friend Laura Aronoff — who’s currently attending med school — for her tips on making friends.
🛑Note: if you have social anxiety like me, I’d recommend reading this article of mine first: Why do I get anxious before socializing?
Just say hi!
“Hi, I am… what’s your name?”
Being friendly — smiling and saying hi — might seem like kindergarten-level advice, but that’s often all you need to do to get someone’s attention. Here’s what Laura had to say:
“It often happens when we’re standing around during orientation or things like that and just start by saying hi and introducing myself. Other times, sitting beside someone and starting to talk to them.”
This leads to my next point…
Ask if you could sit beside them
This makes it much easier to start conversations — well, there wouldn’t be a need to shout “HEY YOU OVER THERE”.
And more importantly, you benefit from the proximity effect: people who are physically close to each other are more likely to develop relationships.
If possible, sit beside the same person every single time during the semester/year, so that you max out the power of the proximity effect.
See if they’ve taken classes with the same teacher/prof
- “Have you taken classes with the same teacher?”
- “Have you taken any other [subject] classes?”
Since this is a quick yes/no question, you get to understand their academic history without being intrusive. Even if they haven’t taken similar classes, you can follow up by asking something like…
- “Oh, so what other classes are you taking?”
- “What classes do you have this week?”
- “Any classes after this?”
Discover why they decided to take this class
There can be many reasons why someone takes a class. It could be because it’s a prerequisite, or it’s simply a subject that they are fascinated about.
If it’s the latter, you get the opportunity to delve into their personal interests.
Find out what they’re majoring/minoring in
If both of you happen to be doing the same major/minor, you are bound to bump into each other, which further increases the likelihood of you becoming friends.
Here are some questions you could ask:
- What’s your major/minor?
- What made you decide to major/minor in…?
- Who influenced you to major/minor in…?
If their response seems lukewarm, you could take a different angle by asking, “If you could choose your major/minor all over again, what would you choose?”
Request to borrow their notes
Asking for help might seem like an unusual way to spark a friendship, but it’s a proven strategy, as per the Benjamin Franklin effect. When people help you out, they rationalize their willingness to help as them liking you.
To make it easy for your classmate to say yes, make your ask small. For example, you could ask if they’re willing to borrow their notes for an afternoon.
And, give them a reason why to make your request more convincing. Here’s what you could say:
“Can I borrow your notes for a day? I’m horrible at taking notes…”
Trade studying advice
A strong friendship is a reciprocal one, where you help and encourage each other.
If they seem like the studious or overachiever kind, get them to teach you their studying strategies! Here are a few questions that I’d ask:
- How do you plan to study for this class?
- What’s your favorite studying strategy/tip? (you could get specific by asking about a specific part of studying, for instance memorization)
- How do you stay focused when studying?
- Where’s your favorite studying spot?
If you’re familiar with the class subject, you could also suggest additional books or resources to help them ace the class.
Gossip about the teacher/prof
Gossip might get a bad rep, but research shows that it’s how we socialize and share valuable information, especially when it comes to relationships and social norms.
To stay on the positive side, you could talk about what I call “teacher trivia”. For example:
- Their background/qualifications
- Their teaching/marking style
- Any notable stories about them
Discuss on-campus/off-campus life
All school no life makes a boring conversation! I certainly got fed up with academic talk by my second year.
So, ask them about where they currently stay and how they’re finding on-campus/off-campus life. Here are a few questions to try:
- Do you stay on-campus or off-campus?
- Which residence are you at?
- Where do you stay? (if they’re off campus)
- When do you think you will move off campus?
- Where will you live off campus?
And as they open up to you personally, here’s what you can talk about…
Learn about their non-academic interests
By discussing your respective interests, you find out what activities you could potentially do together. Questions you could ask include:
- What do you do when you’re not studying? / What do you do after classes?
- What do you read besides textbooks?
- What clubs have you joined?
- What clubs are you thinking about joining?
- How do you spend your school/college/university holidays?*
*If a long weekend is coming up, here’s a list of questions to consider:
11 long weekend conversation starters for deeper connection
Share your respective aspirations
There are plenty of ambitious students, and even if they have no idea what they will do after graduation, you bet they are actively thinking about it. You could ask questions like:
- What are your plans after graduation?
- What would be your dream job after graduation?
- Would you want to work right after graduation, or take some time off?
Here are more general questions to learn about their ambitions:
- 54 goals conversation starters to spark deep conversations
- 47 dreams conversation starters for adults and kids
Invite them to an event
If you’ve built up some rapport, nurture the new friendship by extending an event invitation.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s a formal event or a social gathering — the key is changing the relationship dynamics from “we are classmates” to “we are classmates and friends”.
The key is being direct and specific. For example:
- “I heard that there’s a party next Friday… wanna go together?”
- “Hey, since you’re interested in entrepreneurship, would you like to go to this startup talk with me?”
Reference a past event
If you know of any popular events that happened recently, you could use that as a conversation topic. It helps you learn more about their interests, and paves the way towards future event invitations.
Here’s what you could ask:
- “Have you heard about [event name]…”
- “Did you attend [event name]…”
- “I didn’t go to [event name]… did you?”
How to keep the conversation going
Alright, you started the conversation with your classmate… Now what? Here are some articles to help you chat away:
- 25 useful phrases to keep a conversation going (and avoid awkward silence)
- Conversation starters with new friends, or people you just met
Now, my advice doesn’t eliminate the chance of conversations dying — and that’s especially true at an age when folks are still discovering who they are/aren’t. Most of us have so much on our minds — so much anxiety, so many insecurities — that it can be challenging to talk with others!
If the conversation feels one-sided, you can gracefully end the conversation. Here’s how:
12 simple phrases to end a conversation politely
How to start a conversation with a classmate online
Initiating social interactions online can be less intimidating, and might be a good first step in building your social courage.
The conversation starters I mentioned above will work online too. Here are a few additional tips:
- Introduce yourself, if you just got their number. “Hi, I’m so and so and we’re taking the same class…”
- Keep it short and sweet, which makes it much easier to respond to. A quick question or point is often enough to keep the conversation going.
I’m not saying that you should NEVER write at length — I’m a passionate texter and I do get rambly — but in the first few moments of building a connection, keeping the exchanges brief can help you feel less stressed about what to say. - Accept that they might not respond as quickly or enthusiastically as you like. Or they might not even respond at all — and it’s not your fault!
It’s easy to take too much responsibility in a social interaction i.e. it’s because you said/didn’t say something, when there are so many other factors outside your control.
(If you do find yourself ruminating, check out this article of mine: Overthinking after social events? It’s normal. Here’s what to do.)
How to start a conversation with an old classmate
So, you took a class with someone years back, and you’re wondering…
“Gee, do they still remember me? How do I say hi without making it awkward?”
Based on my experience reconnecting with old classmates, here’s what I’ve found that works best:
Conversation starters to reconnect with an old friend
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