Scientifically reviewed by Rebecca Koay, M.Couns.
Talking to girls — especially attractive girls — was a nightmare for me back then.
I didn’t know where I should look, let alone what I should say.
I still squirm when I think about their weirded-out gazes…
It was a miracle that I even had girlfriends, come to think of it!
But thankfully, after a series of life-changing experiments, I became a lot more confident in chatting up women online/offline.
In 2019, I also had the fortune to work with Eben Pagan and his business partner. Eben was one of the early pioneers in men’s dating, and his dating email newsletters had over a million subscribers.
He generously shared his dating courses with me, which was how I learned to be more attractive without faking or manipulating anything about myself.
Here’s a list of simple, proven ideas to help you get more comfortable talking with girls and build genuine attraction:
Personal development > dating tactics
A lot of articles will tell you to say “funny” or “unusual” things, or to have “confident” body language. Nothing wrong with any of that, but they miss the bigger point…
While dating tactics can get you a few numbers, being a genuinely attractive guy is a lot more effective in the long run. Think about it…. if you’re already seen as a hot catch, why wouldn’t a girl want to talk with you? And as Eben says:
“Go to work on yourself, not women. You cannot change other people, you can only change yourself.”
So, how’re you investing in yourself to be a better man — not for anyone else, but for your own sake?
Speaking of personal development, here’s one thing you gotta work on first…
Trade the bag of chips for dumbbells (and better clothes)
Guys are all about the looks, right? Well, girls might just be the same! A study of speed daters shows that the female participants weighed physical attractiveness just as much as their male counterparts.
Barring cosmetic surgery and body hair implants, what can you do starting today to be a hotter guy?
- Work out! Here’s the good news: research says that you don’t have to be a bodybuilder — just be more muscular than the average Joe. But if you hate the gym, don’t worry. Based on my experience of shaping my beer belly into six-pack abs, eating less and moving more could just be enough to make a difference.
- Change your wardrobe. If you find this daunting, you’re not alone. According to a survey, “81% of men report having trouble getting dressed for an occasion.” Knowing not what to wear is a start: here’s what Reddit users said about male fashion mistakes.
- Groom yourself. Let’s just talk about the basics… Do you shower and shave every day? Do you regularly cut your nails and get a haircut? I might sound like Captain Obvious here, but a survey showed that 70% of men groom themselves for less than 20 minutes a day!
Never chase after attention
Now, this might be even more important than training your muscles…
Training your mind.
And it starts with understanding your craving for validation.
We all want to be liked and loved by others. But if you’re constantly seeking approval from girls, you won’t attract the girl you want. Why? Here’s what Mark Manson, an ex-dating coach, wrote:
“People are genuinely attracted to someone they can respect, to someone they can trust. If you’re constantly looking for approval for what to say and how to feel, how could anyone respect or trust you?”
Eben went a few steps further in his assessment:
“the way to get her approval is to not need it in the first place – and make SURE that she’s aware of this fact…”
If the girl you’re talking to doesn’t seem interested, gracefully end the conversation. As painful as rejection can be, their lack of interest isn’t the final judgment of your worth.
Plus, the last thing you want to be labeled is “pushy” or “creepy”…
Not being creepy is a competitive advantage (for real)
To understand why most guys fail to get girls’ attention, let’s look at reality from a girl’s perspective…
The majority of guys that a girl comes across are creepy. Don’t take my word for it. Here’s what a survey of 2,000 women revealed…
“Women regularly experience creepy behaviors. 82% of women reported experiencing creepy behavior ‘sometimes’ ‘often,’ or ‘constantly.’”
The huge implication for you? If you’re respectful, you’re already ahead of the game. Ramit Sethi calls this the Craigslist Penis Effect:
… if you’ve ever posted a nice, G-rated “women seeking men” post, you will immediately and inexplicably have 50–80 pictures of men’s penises in your inbox.
The Craigslist Penis Effect describes situations where everyone else is so horrible that, by being even half-decent, you can dominate everyone else and win. These moron men on Craigslist would be better served writing 5 half-decent responses, testing to see which got the best response, and then sending it out instead of a picture of their generally mediocre manhood.
So, how can you earn the badge of “I’m not a creepy man”? According to a study, unsolicited touching, sexual comments, and overly personal questions rank among the top creepy behaviors.
Now that you understand a few principles that help you stand out among the sea of guys, how do you start talking with girls?
Approach her during the day
And, do so when you’re both in a bright, open public space. This all helps her feel safe — rather than being on the guard — which helps her to be more receptive to chatting.
(Remember what I said about being non-creepy? An Irish government survey indicates that 50% of women feel unsafe when walking alone at night.)
To further increase your odds of social success, here are other things to be aware of:
- Don’t approach her from behind (that can give her the jumpscare of her life)
- Don’t approach her if she’s walking away (you don’t want to be seen as physically following her)
- DO make brief eye contact and see if she looks back at you (that’s a promising sign – more on this later)
- Do smile and say hi!
Just say hi… it’s that simple
Forget about clever pick-up lines, forget about puffing up your chest, forget about peacocking…
You just need to be friendly.
Wait… that’s it?
Yes! According to Dr. Thomas Smithyman, a clinical psychologist and the author of Dating Without Fear, it’s all about coming across as warm and genuine. Here’s one of the most powerful things I learned from his book…
The best pickup lines according to a study are: 1. “Hi, my name is…” 2. “What’s your name?” 3. “How are you?”
If she responds positively, great! Proceed with any of the conversation tips below. If she doesn’t respond, just walk away — remember the principle of never chasing after attention.
Talk about anything but her (at first)
Now, if she does say hi back, what do you talk about?
In general, avoid immediately commenting on anything related to the girl. Again, your goal is to help her feel safe around you. So what do you talk about? Talk about things that she can immediately relate to. For example, you could:
- Comment on the surroundings, whether it’s the weather, venue, or a nearby object. Rebecca Koay, M.Couns., said: “One way I start conversations is to talk about what the person ordered. I’d ask , “Is this any good?”
- Comment on what other people are doing, especially if it’s attention-grabbing. For example, you noticed a group of street dancers in the park, and you love their choreography.
- Comment on something that you share in common. For example, you might be attending the same class, or you might be working out at the same time.
If she responds, keep the conversation going with these universally useful phrases.
Maintain eye contact for a little longer
Want to let them know that you’re into them — and even trigger their attraction — without saying a single word?
Look at them! Two to three seconds is all you need. By doing so, you show that you’re romantically interested, which can then spark their interest in you.
As unbelievable as it might sound, this is known as the reciprocity principle, which states that “attraction breeds attraction“. In layman terms, we like people who we know like us.
Of course, sending a nonverbal signal of interest is just the start: it’s the exchange — sending, receiving, and sending again — of eye contact that leads to attraction, according to research. Notice if they return your gaze — ideally for the same amount of time or longer — and you might have a first date on your hands!
Nervous about making eye contact? This is for you: How to make eye contact when socially anxious
Make a thoughtful compliment
When it comes to leveraging the reciprocity principle, a compliment might just be better than eye contact. Why?
For the reciprocity principle to work, the girl needs to know that you’re into them for sure, and a compliment is a much stronger signal of your interest (for those who aren’t body language pros, at least!)
Here’s what researchers of the speed-dating study said:
“…there was strong evidence that they were more attracted to partners who also liked them. This suggests that the reciprocity principle may operate at a conscious level; that is, people need to be aware of others’ feelings toward them for strong reciprocal liking to occur”
If you’re worried that your compliment might backfire, research shows that people underestimate how good others feel when being complimented.
Again, don’t go for the looks even if you’re that smitten. Many girls are immune to appearance-related compliments.
Instead, compliment on something different. For example:
- Their sense of fashion
- A personal accessory of theirs, for example their earrings
- The book that they are reading
- …And so on
Your compliment can be as simple as “[adjective] [thing you noticed]”. For example: “That’s the best business book I’ve read.” Or “I love the shape of your earrings.” No need to be fancy. Remember: you’re not trying to win approval, you’re just expressing appreciation and interest.
Be a familiar face in her life
The more frequently you see someone in person, the more likely they will find you likable. This is the power of the mere-exposure effect. Dr. Patrick Keelan, a psychologist, explains:
“[The mere exposure effect] is a response built into us as a result of our evolutionary past in which people were more likely to survive if they approached people and other creatures only once they had determined that they were non-threatening… once you see the same people more often, liking will tend to naturally increase as you come to see each other as ‘non-threatening.’”
But what does that mean for you? Let me explain…
- If you’re at work, chat up your male colleagues… the risk of office romance be damned!
- If you go to the same cafe multiple times a week, talk to the cute barista as well as the other regulars.
- If you love working out, join a gym and participate in the weekly training as devoutly as possible… you get the point.
By being a familiar presence around her, you also enjoy an underrated benefit: being able to build trust with her over multiple conversations, rather than rushing the dance of attraction and making her feel pressured.
Get started today, my fellow brother!
Talking to girls can feel so scary. I know that firsthand.
But as I said earlier… the bar is low, which means that you don’t need to be Brad Pitt to get a girl’s attention. Sam Morrill, a popular comedian, would agree:
“It’s a great time to be a man. The bar is nice and low… I was with a girl the other night, and she said, “I don’t think we should have sex”, and I was like “oh that’s cool. Then she goes, “wow, you’re a great guy!”
PS: Now, if you’ve got the gal’s number (congrats), and you want to spark a text conversation — with less awkward back-and-forths — my friend C.B. Daniels has a lovely list of 25 questions to ask her over text. Good luck!!
Related articles