i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
Almost every pop ballad on the radio these days is about romantic love…
and for good reason.
You already know how happy you can get when you’re in a romantic relationship, but this might surprise you. Studies show that romantic love reduces our stress and illness, ultimately helping us live longer.
So how do you communicate with your other half and deepen the relationship? After all, the quality of conversations determines the quality of your relationship.
Having been in multiple long-term relationships over the last decade — some memorable, some ugly — I’ve put together a lil’ collection of couples conversation starters depending on your relationship status and goals:
Money
Money is a major cause of relationship arguments, especially when you’re married and you share household expenses. Here’s how to understand your other half’s financial habits and values upfront:
- Are you a spender, saver, or investor?
- Which is more important: learning how to spend, learning how to save, or learning how to invest?
- How do your parents manage their money? (How has that influenced how you manage your money?)
- Do your parents ever argue over money? If so, why?
- Budget – yes or no?
- Saving for a rainy day – agree or disagree?
- Do you save for a rainy day – why or why not?
- What’s your favorite way to splurge?
- What was/is your biggest money stress? (How did/do you overcome it?)
- What was/is the biggest money stress in your family?
- How should we divide household expenses? (What feels fair to you?)
- Let’s say we were going to travel overseas. How should we plan financially? (note: could be any other big-ticket expense like wedding ceremony)
- In your previous relationships, what disagreements did you have about money?
Sex
Sexual incompatibility is also another source of relationship tension. But what is sexual compatibility in the first place? Here’s how Kristen Mark, a sex and relationship researcher. defines it:
“Perceived sexual compatibility is defined as the extent to which a couple perceives they share sexual beliefs, preferences, desires, and needs with their partner.”
Figure out if your partner is your match under the sheets by asking the following questions:
- How much sex is too little/much sex?
- How much sex in a week is ideal for you?
- What makes you sexually satisfied?
- What turns you on/off the most?
- Do you have any kinks/fetishes?
- What kink/fetish would you like to explore?
- What sexual fantasy would you like to fulfill that you haven’t fulfilled?
- How have your sexual desires changed over time?
- In your previous relationships, what made sex good or bad?
- Who was your best sexual partner? Why?
- If everything was legal, what would you want to try sexually?
- If you didn’t have to worry about getting caught, what would you want to try sexually?
Family
According to Vienna Pharaon and Connor Beaton, a therapist-coach couple that teaches healthy couple communication:
“Our families are really the first example of our love template.”
What does that mean? Your communication or behavior pattern is very much a product of your family upbringing (what you imitated and internalized in your family).
By understanding your other half’s family history, you also understand how and why they communicate in your relationship.
- Growing up, how did your family give/receive love? (How has that influenced how you give/receive love?)
- How did your family communicate in conflicts?
- Which emotional needs of yours were/weren’t met by your family?
- What was your biggest unmet need as a child?
- What did/do you crave from your parents?
- How do you resolve conflicts with your family members?
- How has your childhood shaped how you communicate?
- When there’s a conflict, do you tend to fight, freeze, flee, or fawn?
Your relationship
Spending time together is how you maintain a relationship. The challenge is, each person will have different needs and expectations, and when one partner feels let down, conflict arises. Here’s how to nip arguments in the bud:
- How much time would you like to spend together?
- How important is alone time for you?
- How would you balance our relationship and your career/friends/family?
- How do you expect me to balance our relationship and my career/friends/family?
- What activities would you want to do together?
- How often should we go on dates?
- What’s your love language?
- How do you express your love and care?
- What makes you feel loved and cared for?
To go deeper into the past/present/future of your relationship, here’s a list of questions.
Marriage & kids
While the traditional family structure is still the norm, more and more people are opting out of marriage and kids. Given that either decision has significant meaning and consequences, it’s important to suss out ASAP if your partner’s preferences align with yours.
- Do you want to get married? Why or why not?
- How important is getting married to you?
- What does marriage mean to you?
- Would living together be the same as being married?
- Do you want to have kids? Why or why not?
- What does being a parent mean to you?
- Would you ever consider adoption? Why or why not?
- Would having pets ever be the same as having kids?
Household chores
Household chores might seem like a menial topic, but they can make or break a relationship. In a Yelp survey, 80% of respondents have had disagreements about household chores. Go through these questions with your other half, ideally before you move in together:
- How has your family typically split household chores?
- What household chores were/are you responsible for in the family?
- What household chores do you love/hate doing?
- What household chores should we outsource?
- How often would you want to clean/organize the house?
- What’s your idea of keeping the house clean and tidy?
- What’s your pet peeve when it comes to household chores?
- If we were living together, what would drive you crazy?
- Are you more of a hoarder or minimalist?
- Marie Kondo – love her or hate her?
Values
When you share the same values, it’s much easier to make decisions together. In fact, a study found a connection between shared values and marital happiness.
- What are your top three values and why are they important?
- What are the top three values in your family?
- How have you lived out your values?
- How have your values shaped your relationships?
- How have your values changed over time?
- What values have you abandoned?
- What values would you never adopt and why?
- How do you work through differences and even clashes in values?
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